Ranger educator

Wednesday, 29 April 2009

yes yes yes!

yes! my final divorce papers came through the post today! i am most certainly, officially, totally, truly, entirely,unmistakenly divorced! and i am doing a happy crazy relief dance let me tell you!

doesn't mean i have not been sad about my marriage ending, don't get me wrong! i would have loved for it to work out; but i don't see it a failure either. it is what it is...
we tried, things didn't add up, we were not happy together we decided to split and tried to keep it as neat as possible. okay of course there are nasty details there but they are all far gone for me, no use on dwelling on them, shit happened... i got over it!
i see it as: we were two people who once made the free choice of being together and then later on made the new decision to end it and move on, no more no less.

but i am happy it is all over, the whole journey of going through court.
i didn't take a lawyer, thought i was quite capable of talking for myself, i was pretty proud of myself to tell you the truth! i did well, it was a lesson and a new thing learned for me. i am way stronger that i look! i like this. i really am stronger than i would have ever imagined. a wisdom i am happy with.

i count my blessing believe you me! i have a wonderful life, not always the easiest, never has been, but wonderful non the less!
i never seem to take the straight road, i tend to choose the one less travelled, the senic route even though it has given me some nasty scenes...i know the good comes with some bad and it is all part of life's lessons we all need to learn so i have don't get upset about things as much as i used to;

take my 16 year old daughter who ran away from home in February, she is now living with her dad, miles away, i have only heard her a few times on msn, just quickly, how are you? and i have always started the conversation; but it does not upset me anymore, i do not take it personally , i have learned that it has nothing to do with me, she is acting from her own idea, even her own idea of me, of the way she sees me, how she sees her life, the whole world. i do not take it personally.

the fact that my marriage ended, i do not take that personally either. i started off by thinking something must be wrong with me but now i realize (and i do have this one friend who tends to open my eyes or helps me open my eyes rather, thanks J) i realize that it has nothing to do with me personally.

so, well, anyway, today the sun is shining at her best and i'm certain it is supposed to be like that today, it is my day! every day is my day come to think of it!

before i go off to enjoy my day i would just like to recommend a book to you all out there, i was happy someone recommended it to me...

this book: The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz

have a beautiful day!
*still doing a crazy happy dance*

Monday, 27 April 2009

i'm back from the UK

hi everyone,

i've been away for a few days. i left home on thursday heading for the UK. first i went to see my dad who is extremely ill in hospital but still stuborn as ever! he is on kidney dialysis every other day cos he has kidney failure, he needs a heart bypass asap, his liver is not doing well and he had fybrosis and asbestos on his lungs which is really bad and pobably causing all the other problems. He is on a stict diet that he tries to get out of any chance he gets, rebelling with the nurses over a bit of cheddar cheese!!! oh i could go on about this but i choose not to. he has been ill for a while, we never thought he would come his far as it is and we have no idea where this is leading so my brother and i kind of look at it on a day by day basis. the fybrosis is the worst, no real treatment as of yet! we are looking at another two to three years at the most in usual cases, lets hope my dad will be with the lukcy few who live upto ten more years but i think with his kidneys we can't have false hope. i am so not at peace with this but it is not in my hands is it, i have to let it go and just be thankful for the time there is i suppose.

strangely though, my nana who had three strokes just weeks ago and who is way into her 80's seems to be doing fine, she is eating again, seems happy enough and to be getting stronger again, humans are the strangest things if you ask me. she is really dement but still seems to have a strong will te live bless her! we thought we were in for a funeral any day. let's hope she last for as long as she wants!!! as long as she feels happy!!!!

so the rest of my time was for fun, for me! i went to Olney, near Milton keynes to go visit Lin Brown, she has an amazing range of products in her shop but i totally fell for all the Ten seconds metal!! i bought metal, tools, mats, moulds,... the whole lot to get me started! she has so many beautiful projects all around the shop, all metal and mixed media, really lovely! and it was great seeing her agin too, we had a coffee and a chat in the shop seeing she was on her own that day.

oh and i did treat myself to some Tim Holtz stamps aswell, couldn't resist!!! :-)

i had the most wonderful weather too, not the rain that was forcasted! lucky lucky me!

i had lunch at a really tiny old tea shop in olney, proper english tea and a cheddar cheese sandwich cut into neat little triangles, just as i like them. i felt so spoiled actually. had a chat with a local floral artist, exchanged thoughts on things, it was so nice.

then i headed off to Oxford to meet my friend J who is still there finishing his pilot training. we had the most amazing time together, chatting and catching up for all the time apart. it is truly a wonderful thing to have this person as my friend. he is the most beautiful friend one could dream for. i know i'm blessed. i know some people would not understand and that is okay.
we went shopping for books, found none we were looking for and we both had lists haha! but i did end up buying five books so i was still pretty pleased. Oxord is a nice city! not one for parking though, omg!!! we had meals that i never ate cos my stomach wouldn't let me, so i hardly ate all weekend really, wonder if it shows on the scales hihi!? J ate most of my food so it didn't go to waste. and the lovely lady at the B&B made sure i had some toast and a boiled egg in the morning to keep me going, she was really worried about me not feeling well, so sweet. i had to take fruit with me for my travel home.
J and i had a blast the whole time we were together, nice! so nice.

Saying Goodbye to eachother was the hardest thing, the hardest thing...i never imagined it cos it is not like we are not seeing eachother again... it was really wierd. so not me, normally i am okay with goodbyes especially when i know it is not a last.

Sunday morning i decided to head off early for Dover cos there was the London Marathon going on and i wasn't sure what the traffic was going to be like. as i left i sent a text message to J to let him know i was on my way. as i came on to the main street he was standing there, he had calculated me leaving early and was waiting for a last goodbye! i mean, how sweet is that?!!!

he had felt that the goodbye we had was difficult. we had loads more hugs in us and still a million things to say and then J took the one picture we took all weekend, not the best picture, i look pretty funny in it but it is great if you ask me! the best! and look at the fab blue sky behind us! it was wonderful.

this good bye made it much easier for me to travel home, it was what we needed apparently and trust J to know that. and thank goodness for free wi fi on the ferry!!! we chatted the whole two hours i was on so that passed in a flash!

well, all things considered with my dad and so on i had the most wonderful weekend and let things go while i could. once back home i started phoning again of course to find out what was going on with the heart operation and all that.

i picked the kiddies up from there dad's and still had a two-hour drive ahead of me to get home so we arrived home at about 8 pm, long day but i enjoyed every minute of it! the drive down to dover is so beautiful, the road is up so high it sometimes feels you can touch the sky and i love skies. i felt my lungs filling with air and joy with every mile i drove. Friendship and Love filling my Soul, realizing that i am the luckiest person on earth.

so today i end with: take care of your friends and loved ones, don't assume they just know you love them, show them whenever you can and cherish time together! it fills you with energy and bliss beyond words. and miracles such as my beautiful nana is showing me can happen! i can't help but love life.

have a wonderful sunshiny day!!!

xox tanya

Wednesday, 22 April 2009

the winner

i randomly picked a winner from the comments to my post and Inge is the lucky one this time!!!
inge, mail me your details you know my address! you will be recieving something soon, i will make you something cool with tim Holtz stuff ( hint hint)

night night

Monday, 20 April 2009

okay here i am

hi everyone,
i promised a bit of a report on my holiday so here goes! now, i'm not the typical tourist taking pictures all the time, most of the time i just try to enjoy without the bother of seeing the world through a lense! but i did manage to get some pictures taken.

first of all the flight was not that bad, i did feel my heart rate going up loads when we took off in brussels and then for a while we seemde to be just hanging abouve brussels and i could see nothing moving, i felt a bit of a panic rising then but told myself to stay calm and i did! after that i was fine, not reallt comfortable, no distraction next to me! i had the whole row of seats to myself so the sexy, good-looking, ...man i hoped for was not there to keep me company so i just filled out some sudokus, ah well...
then!!!! 40 minutes! yes!!! 40 minutes before landing the captain thanked us for flying with them and told us we would be landing soon! sooooooooooooooooon???? that gave me 40 minutes to build up a panic! that is looooooooooooooooooong believe me!! but i stayed calm, pretty calm! and the landing was perfect, i have never had such a soft landing! i could of kissed the captain! i was grinning like an idiot, so proud of myself, not that i was flying the plane but still i did stay calm and felt like i had overwon a barrier!

orange tree outside the bedroom is was sleeping in, the sent that came through my window was hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm!

it was great seeing sue again and meeting het ohhh so british humoured husband colin, we got on like a house on fire, i think he kinda met his match in sarcasme with me hihi! we had lots of fun and i felt more than welcome in their home. colin ended up waiting on me hand and foot after i stole his reclining massage chair!! wohaaaha! i was in a lot of discomfort though with my back due to these new soles in my shoes, they are supposed to help me change my way of walking and standing to take pressure off my ankle but my body still does not agree with them and i am in aches all the time! this was a bit of a bummer on my holiday but it is not like me to let that stop me :-)

at first he weather was horrible, cold, so cold i had to by a fleece cardigan at the market but i already told you that! i also bought an antique little silver angel magnifying glass, it is beautiful! and though i am not into love and all that, this little angel does happen to be Cupid so who knows, the Universe might be telling me something here!!!! LOVE myself! hihi! you all thought i was going to tell you something different here now didn't you?

(had to hide my boobs here! my top seems to be pretty low haha!)

i bought presents for he kids, i got my youngest daughter a spanish dress and little flaminco shoes to go with it, she looks so cute in them and she loves them, never took them off yesterday.

anyway, we had a good time, visiting some of the sights, eating colin's homemade fishpie! bowling on the Wii in the evenings, drinking wine, crafting some of the time, talking about crafts all of the time according to colin that is!

anyway the six days passed way too quickly and my travel back was okay too, i got a window seat again, right at the back of the plan! sat next to a japenese and an african man, they never opened their mouths hihi! take off was fine, no elevated heart rate or anything, landing was really bumpy but i did fine on staying calm! i am really honestly proud of myself and think i have overwon my fear now.
this is the little plane i was on! only 180 seats! i call that small!

well back in belgium now! the weather is of course super!!! we sat out in the garde nall day yesterday and i took the kids to a theme park the day before, they enjoyed themselves! i was in total agony with my back but it was good to see the kiddies having fun so i didn't mind too much! i was brave and went on some of the rides, today my therapist thought my back was a bit of a mess hihi! he said i had been brave going on the rides in so much pain!
something different
my nana is ill with cancer, my dad is really ill too, my mother has been taken into a care home because of her alzheimer, she is so far gone! and she is only 59 you know? it is so sad really. it is not all sing and dance around here but i am staying positive about life! seems like it is far too short not to enjoy every minute of it!
Seeing that i have cancelled most of my workshops for the coming weeks to keep my weekends free for travelling up north for a funeral i am expecting very soon i decided to take a trip to the UK to do some shopping, visiting a friend and just enjoying my time while it lasts!!!

oh on a happier note!!!! my divorce is official as from tomorrow!!! over and done with! turning over the page, ahhhhhh, it is a relief more than anything! i don't hate him or anything, i don't wish him anything bad, i actually wish him all the best in life and i hope he will have a happy future ahead of him but i am glad we are over. we will still be mam and dad to the kids and i will do everything in my power to keep the communication going between us for the sake of the kids.

so!!! i am just me as from tomorrow!!! that is cause for celebration really! life is all about celebrating whenever possible isn't it!?

okay !this post has turned into half a book so i'm off to enjoy an hour in the garden before the kiddies come home from school! going to read a couple of pages of my book, i'm reading The Host by Stephanie Meyer, i had heard from Tim ( holtz) that lots of his friends thought it wasn't that good but i like it really. can't be compared with twilight ( same author) but non the less, i like it!

bye bye for now

i'll randomly pick a winner from the post i asked to leave a comment, i'll do that some time this week, to keep i a suprise hihi!

enjoy your day!!!

i'm not reading back for typos so just embrace the imperfections haha!

Friday, 17 April 2009

i'll post soon

hi, can't really post at he moment, my back is hurting like hell and i really don't feel like sitting at the computer too long! i'll post soon, my physical therapist is on the case hihi!

have a super weekend, hope the sun comes out to play!
xox tanya

Monday, 13 April 2009

quick checking in

i've been having a good time here in Spain, being pretty lazy really to tell you the truth, just relaxing, hanging, doing a little bit of crafts with Sue, also went seeing the sights yesterday, it was a great day, the weather was fine, we had a great meal, they have wonderful fish around here.

my ankle is playing up so it is a bit of a bummer when going sightseeing up in the mountains but i did well.

Sue and Colin, her husband, are really sweet and welcoming, i even had Colin waiting on me hand and foot last night haha!and he is a good cook! i got his relaxing, massaging chair last night and he never got it back all night, it was too comfy to give up!

oh, the first days the weather was awfull, really awfull, soooooooooo cold,when we went to the market on Saturday it was that cold i had to buy a fleece to wear and the man i bought it from happened to be Belgian so i had a chat in Flemish. i bought a really nice old tiny wearable magnifying glas with a little cupido angel at the top, it is beautiful, i'll post a picture soon.

today we are off to Colin's golf club for lunch and then probably have a wander around but my foot does hurt damn! tomorrow i might be meeting some of Sue's friends and then we are off to Benidorm for the rest of the rest of the day to do some shopping. and on Wednesday i will be with Sue at her shop meeting some of her customers who want to meet me cos Sue talks about me so much hihi, she has a workshop planned for them and i'll join in.

so there, a tiny update, it is hard for me to type on this qwerty keyboard seeing that i am used to an azerty keyboard and type blind so this is hard work and i have been correcting typos for ages now, i give up! hihi!

i'll get back to you all once i get home and i'll share some pics then, in the meantime i'm sure Sue will write on het blog so go click on the desire to inspire link at the side , she has put some pics on.

have a great day! enjoy the little things...

xox tanya

Thursday, 9 April 2009


okay then! i'll be off to Spain shortly so i might not be blogging for the next week unless i can use Sue's connection, if we even have time that is, i'll see!
if not sooner, you will hear from me when i get back!
in the mean while, for those who haven't commented on my previous post, you still can if you like! when i get back i will be choosing a lucky winner to a little present... you can get yourself into the draw by commenting.

i'm still dreading the flight slightly but i am invincible as i keep telling myself!!!! invincible!!!

have a great Easter and a lovely week

tarrah for now
xox tanya

Monday, 6 April 2009

light heart bright soul

Yesterday i had the most wonderful day outside with the kids, working in the garden, they helped a bit and they played lots. it was perfect weather, t-shirt and shorts weather! not that i wear shorts!!!
I planted my very first strawberries ever, giving it a go seeing i do live in Haspengouw which is the fruit region of Belgium! i planted lots and lots of pretty flowers, bulbs really, so i will be able to watch them grow into flowers! i cleaned the pond, swept the garden path, very symbolic for me, sweeping away the remains of a Winter filled with many changes, some troublesome, some for the best, some nice, some unexpected, some i saw coming, anyway, all swept away leaving a clean open path.
we had dinner outside, i just love eating outdoors, it gives such a sense of freedom and being part of nature, huge open sky, warmth on your skin, breeze through your hair, oh well, you can tell by now i am an outdoor's girl. I feel closer to the Universe when i'm outside.

i did some more drawing in my pencil art journal, i discovered that i cannot use my blending pencil on this paper! damn, it makes strange marks on my faces, too bad but they will now have to stay that way, they look weathered, maybe from the great outdoors? a lesson learned!
not the best pic here but non the less, here is my " no way back" girl, she has decided to open her heart to possibilities, as you can see on her face she is still getting used to her own idea but believes in it and will not hide from it. determinde as ever to make her life her own.this girl is rising above it all feeling free and light of heart, letting her Soul lead the way on her free and wonderful journey. she has a bright Soul and spreads love being free of burden.
(my flying doll is totally inspired by Suzi Blu! what a chick!)

more journaling will be added at the bottom but it was way past midnight when i put her down last night.

today the Sun is shining again, so i'm off to get these tv-watching kids dressed to go play outside and get some wonderful colour to their cheeks. i need to do some more weeding and cleaning up in the garden before i head off for my girly holiday in Spain with my friend Sue!!! only a few more sleeps!!!! the only thing i am dreading is the flight! i hate flying, honestly i am so scared of taking off and landing! i have never flown on my own before so it is an adventure and a huge challenge for me, one i am of course going to take because i have told myself that i can do it! i am invincible! :-) and i have a middle seat between two strangers! i can hardly cry and panic while sitting between strangers! and who knows, there might be a really cute single guy sitting next to me hihi. on the return flight i have a window seat! i am going to love that, once we have taken off that is!

anyway! i'm off to the garden!!!
you all have a wonderful day filled with pretty things and love!!!
xox tanya

ps if you were to leave a comment today i might just decide to pick a lucky person to recieve a little something....

Friday, 3 April 2009

life is love

well, you know, with me being single, divorced and all that... i kind of tell myself, and the whole world for that matter, that i am going to stay single the rest of my life, love has no place in my world, done with it, got the freaking t-shirt! away with the whole relationship thing, it sucks. well it does!

and then there are those days that the sun is shining and you want to go take a walk, on your own is fine but hummmm with a partner it would be nicer? uhhhhh NO!!! men suck remember!!!!

no, there are those days, well moments really, not full days!!! God forbid! but moments that i start to feel just a little lonely, just a little ( i am not admitting to anymore than that hihi!)

but the thing is, i remember having this feeling when i was in a relationship!when i was married! even more than now at times come to think of it! which makes me believe even stronger that i am better off staying single!!!

but then i have this friend, i will name no names J! he kind of kicks my behind once in a while, he doesn't put up with my realtionship-men suck-crap, he wakes me up, he never tells me, he shows me, he let's me find out for myself, he nudges, never pushes me over the edge

this so called friend makes me cry sometimes, but at the end of the day he always makes me smile, truly smile on the inside but hang on! he is a man! ohhhh men suck remember!!!!

luckily this friend is my friend, has been for some time and always will be so no need to panic Tanya!

we are here for one thing he says: "LOVE" nothing else.

and let that be the one thing i want to cut out of my life!!! until i realised love is not to do with having a relationship! there are so many kinds of love: love for my children of course!!!! duh!! my love for my art, my love for my friends, my soulmate,my doggy, my ability to recover from anything and everything,.... i could go on for hours now you know hihi!

but then he goes further... you're on the right track babe! ... but you still need to open your heart to L-O-V-E, don't rule out possibilities of finding love, don't force it out, don't search for it! don't long for it, don't let it control your life, don't think you need it to be happy but do not rule it out!!!
pffff smart ass, was my first thought! but now...i think i am coming around to the idea... slooooowly okay J!? and... i promise not to throw away the key to my heart just yet...
but good, here i am today sharing a bit of a private conversation with you all! why? well to explain this page in my art journal! it's my travelling art journal, only pencils and markers when i'm on the road so no mixed media to help me get my thoughts sorted, just pencils and me! confronting really!!! i find it harder to do but liberating at the same time

"to fear love is to fear life"

so all there is left to do is wish you all a day filled with love, the kind you choose! free choice!!!