1st chemo

i haven't posted since Xmas, not that there hasn't been alot going on, i just didn't have the urge to write much i did have a pretty long post ready last week but never finished it and then deleted it.

life sucks when you have cancer, that is what it kind of boils down to honestly, positive attitude is mostly down the drain, i can't help it, i just feel so upset and scared and can't just get it out of my head that i might not be around to see my youngest kids grow up.

i'm having what looks like post traumatic stress disorder but am starting to see a psychologist about it today at the hospital while having my first chemo

1st chemo of 6 and i am scared to death of the poison that is supposed to kill the cancer.

i haven't been able to paint my way through all of this, i had surgery on my hand just days after my mastectomy, this was planned before i knew about the cancer and i wanted it to go through because i could hardly hold a brush in my hand due to pain and loss of control over a few fingers. hand still sucks! is not healing well, is really stiff and painful, doc says it's take another 4 weeks at least, i really feel the need to paint, to stay sane, to let things out.

anyway, 1st chemo in about 2 hours so i better get moving! i wanted to post now because i have been receiving messages from worried people, just so you all know i'm still here alive and kicking, well not so much kicking, more like rolled up in a ball crying most of the time... so not like me huh? i know.
this thing just seems way bigger than me at the moment. i cannot get used to how i look after op1boob, i just can't.

i have alot of support from friends and family, it helps, it really does, i wouldn't go on if it weren't for all of them. i have had to be so strong over the last years it feels like i've used up all my strength.

right, got to go, hopefully i'm not too sick with the stupid chemo and i get a chance to update you before the next one.

i really wish i had some art to show, this is what my blog was intended for! i'm sorry for all those who i'm boring with the cancer journey instead of pretty things!

love & peace

xx tanya