Sunday, 26 December 2010
I'm still in hospital so i spent my Xmas here and the kids did their very best to make it nice, they brought lots of food, homemade pastry, my son has talent!! We had a cosy evening, they stayed till about midnight i think, can't remember but anyway, it was as nice as could be.
I had my op1boob on Thursday as planned, no chance in reconstruction staight away because another test had proven that the cancer in my lymphs was invasive too so i will have to go through a heavy course of chemo first and then about 30 rounds of radiation.
But you know what? I'm not as shocked as i thought i would be, sure i cried when i first saw how flat my t-shirt was on one side! sure i howled for over an hour in the bathroom the first time i washed myself, i cried until i couldn't recognize my own face in the mirror, sure i've been walking around in a somewhat zombie fashion trying to wake up from this nightmare!
but the fact remains that my boob is gone, it is ugly, i look like a teenage boy on the left side, my remaing boob looks way too big for my body all of a sudden, i kind of wish they had just chopped that one off too, just for balance!
but i can look at it now, i'm not so scared of it, it is what it is, it looks weird, it hurts, the drains are the worst! omg!!!!! still ggot one drain stuck in, they removed one yesterday i nearly fainted! hopefully the last one goes today cause it really is uncomfortable having a tube stuck in your chest and having to walk around with this yukkie bottle stuck in a gift bag! yeah they put my drainage bottle in this little gift bag with a cute little elephant on it that says:" i like to play"... uhhhh??? okay!?! i don't find that very amusing to be honest.
The op went as it was supposed to, they took out a lot of lymphs, everything will be tested so they can plan my chemo and possibly hormonal treatment in four weeks time.
four weeks to let the wound heal, a bit of a rest before the next fight, another big nasty fight with the chemo and i am scared, i really am but then again i was scared to death of having my boob chopped off and i survived that too, i have even been able to laugh and smile after that, what else can i do???
My kids bought me a super cool Sony digital book reader! just what i needed right now! i love the old fashioned feel of holding a book but i tell you this E reader is really handy, light, easy to read, i just love it!!!!
right, i need to go, stuff to be done, even in hospital there is no rest for the wicked!
love you all! thanks for all your support!!
Sunday, 19 December 2010
first of all thank you for all the heart warming comments and mails and messages, i have not been able to respond to all of them personally simply because there are so many and i don't always feel up to it but i embrace each and every bit of support and if all of you see me as a strong woman then i guess i should try and believe you all and do my best to get through this;
at this moment i don't feel so strong, i feel tiny, tiny tiny tiny!! it feels like the cancer is a huge mountain i need to climb, i know i will make it, it's not like i have a choice now really?!?!
so, this is what is up: last Wednesday i went for the staging, for you who have no idea ( and i wish i hadn't either) staging is a list of tests such as a bone scan, lung Xray, ultrasound of the abdomen, MRI of the breasts in my case, blood been taken by what i swear was a vampire!, i think that was the list but there might have been more tests, it was a long 4 hours of it all and i kind of stepped out of my body during the whole thing!
so, wednesday staging, Wednesday evening i get a phone call from doc saying i need to come in for a CT scan because they found something on my liver, now my world started spinning there for a moment because that could mean that the cancer had spread and that was something i had never really considered, call me weird but i kind of feel things and i really had never included more than breast cancer into my picture
Anyway, the CTscan showed some gathering of blood vessles in my liver, no cancer! as a thought! but it did give me a huge scare and made me pretty angry at the whole world.
my results came back as stage 2b breast cancer, this means i have 4 invasive malignant tumours in my breast, some larger than 2cm and all spread apart with at least 1cm distance and that is where the trouble is!!! they are not one group of tumours, they are all seperate tumours coming originally from one tumour, this is called multifocal breast cancer. the b stands for the fact that my lymphs have been affected too.
this means i need a full mastectomy, in other words they are cutting off my whole breast and taking out most of my lymphs.
This did not come as such a shock anymore, it is what i had expected all along, even when they were still talking about the possibility of a breast saving operation i never believed it, i knew it would be this result, again, just call me weird!
I'm seeing a prof tomorrow to discuss my options for reconstruction along with the mastectomy, my chances are slim to non for this happening because of the gravity of the cancer but i'm going to hang on to the 0.1% chance for now!!!!!
My surgery is now planned for Thursday 23 December, meaning i can stay home for my birthday but will be in hospital over Christmas, this stinks!!!! but they want it out and i want it out!!!
I really don't want to go into 2011 with these tumours, they will not be a part of my new year!
Radiation and chemo however will be a big part of my year and then hopefully i will get a reconstruction done for my 2011 birthday!!!! a girl can dream!!!!
I feel loads of things, there is a storm raging inside my body and mind.
I was totally calm and rational when the doc was discussing it all with me, i remained calm for the rest of the day mostly, i still am pretty calm, i feel the need to scream and cry and rage but it's not happening, i can't do it.
I feel too sad, angry, aggressive,... to let it all out! i know i should and i will, but not just yet i guess.
I am dreading waking up with one boob!!! it is something that just does not feel right!!!! and lots of people are telling me it doesn't make me who i am, that i will still be a whole woman no matter what, and i understand what they are saying but it does not feel like that to me!
To me it just feels like i am going to be mutalated for the rest of my life, i can't feel anything past that feeling yet.
silver lining??? Tanya always finds one huh?
well!!!! my daughter Debby is coming tomorrow, staying for my birthday! I'm really happy about that!!! I will have all 5 my children with me on my birthday! is something to be grateful for! and i am
another one? well... doc suggested a reconstruction with my own body material meaning i will be having a "tummy tuck" at the same time as the reconstruction! a new boob and a flat tummy!!
this a a very thin silver lining and i'm being more sarcastic about it than happy to be honest but hey a least it will be flat and that after having 5 kids!!! I will have to stop losing weight though, the rate i'm going now i'll have nothing for them to use!! I've gone down 2 sizes jeans in about 9 weeks and my new ones are already getting too big and i only bought them about 2 weeks ago.
anyway, this wil probably be the last post till after 'operation one boob' as i am calling it so i want to wish you all a VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!! i hope you all spend it with loved ones, with great food ( not the hospital veggie stuff i will be getting lol!) count your blessings as i will be doing and enjoy!!!
if anything, ENJOY!!!!!
i'll be back after op1boob to rave/rage again!
love & peace
oh and to all you women out there being too chicken to get a mammo done..... please put it on your list for 2011!!!! promise!!!!
Thursday, 9 December 2010
i've been a stranger for a long time
my back is healing brilliantly, couldn't ask for a better result, still having to take it easy, which i wasn't always doing of course!
i've had loads to blog about really, had a wonderful, wonderful Be Rangerized weekend at Art Journey! fab peaople to work with, Louise & her team are angels and everything was organized till the last detail which was lucky for me because i was sooooo sick the night before our 3-day event, it wasn't even funny! i eventually got there and worked through it living on sportsdrink, lost likos i tell you! but it was worth it! so many happy people, all Rangerized wohaha!
but ok! it took me more than that to come and finally blog
and i hope you all have a seat!
two days ago i weny for a mammograph, one i had asked for myself, don't ask me why...
painful on any given day, us girls know that, mammo showed something, and ultrasound followed and there they found 4 lumps in my left breast, the lumps looked to be benign but the radiologist said she coud not be a 100% sure and wanted to do a punction for a biopsy right there and then but gave me the option of waiting 3 months to go back for another ultrasound instead but i sais no, just do the puntcion now! omg!!!! not something i wish on anyone.
yesterday i had to phone in for the results, so i did and they weren't there yet so doc was going to get back to me, one more hour of waiting and i felt sick with stress
she phoned and said she did not want to discuss anything on the phone, i needed to go to the hospital about an hour later, i wanted to know something so she said this is not news i can tell you just like this,n i need to see you face to face so we can discuss options and treatment
well my body just collapsed.
i luckily had my friend Curtis to drive me in because he was just on his way to my house, we go in and sit down and she says: you are not going to like what i am about to tell you but there is no other way of saying it, you have breast cancer...
my head was spinning
4 malignant tumours in left breast
once i m done crying she explains
they now need to check if there aren't more tumours in there, ones that are away from the group of four, check with a full body MRI if the cancer hasn't spread to other organs or bone
MRI is next Wednesday
next Friday i go in to discuss what was found
my options as she explained at the minute are:
best option: they find nothing more than the 4 tumours, if the tumours measure under 2cm a piece i get a breast saving surgery on the 20 of December( that's a day before my 43rd birthday), radiation to follow. my largest 2 tumours are now 1,8cm
next option: they find more tumours loose from the group of 4 then i get a breast amputation, radiation to follow
worst option: there is cancer elsewhere in my body: i did not even want to hear about that just yet so i don't know what will happen then
chemotherapy will depend on what they fnd in my lymphs or not, so still remains to be figured out.
there that is the deal! no beating around the bush on it. my cards have been dealt once again not in my favour to say the least.
my world has been turned upside down in the matter of 2 days, i can't begin to expalin how i feel, actually still pretty numb.
doc says my immune system has been attacked so hard by the suddeck and the meds and then heavy back surgery, it just provoked the cancer to show sooner, she reckons i would have gotten it somewhere down the line anyway, now it's just sooner than later.
you know what? i really don't think this is fair!!!! i breastfed all my children, i check my boobs every month! the gyno just checked them 5 weeks ago, there was nothing to be felt!
i just had this weirdest feeling i needed a mammo!!! this is so not fair! not fair!
my gp came by last night, gave me something to calm, don't know what but way stronger than valium that was for sure, i was so mellow, i've never used drugs but i felt pretty high and drunk last night, even giggling about this whole thing! meds have totally worn off though, believe me, i know where i'm at. it's not a nice place to be at!
why am i sharing all of this with you? for one i can't go through it alone and secondly, i know for a fact there are a lot of women who dread having mammo's, who postpone it! well DON'T!!!! are you listening???? go get it done! do it for me! do it for yourself mainly!!! just think about it! my tumours could not be felt from the outside, nothing to be seen, no indications what so ever! now, i don't want to scare you but please, better safe than sorry.
am i scared? well hell of course i am! one of my worst nightmare ever has been to lose a breast, it is just unthinkable to me, always has been! and here i am facing the possibility up close and personal.
all my friends are tellin me i'm strong, that i will get through this, and yes i am strong, i've proven that a few times too many already, kind of sick of having to prove it over and over again, i'm kind of tired maybe???
but they are right! no way am i letting this break me, i will get through it, i will get better, i have no choice, i have 5 kids and 2 of them are still little, i'm not a quitter and i won't quit on this one either.
i'm lucky to have lots of friends, loving kids and my friend Curtis who is being a rock in all of this, he is heaven sent! what a time to prove this so fresh and new relationship!!! we met at the end of September and just decided to give it a chance as a couple last Sunday!!!! hell of a way to test love!!!
right, what more is there to say?
love you all!
love & peace
Thursday, 16 September 2010
update on my surgery: all is good!!! really good! op was clearly a success! okay i need to take it easy, still not doing housework and all that stuff but i am lot more mobile than before the op even considering my Suddeck
and i can drive again! short distances and not three times a day i have learned! my back is still very sore and i still feel a torn muscle in my back, yeah, i did that trying to get up in the first week i was home! just bad luck lol! it's healing surely but slowly or slowly but surely lol how ever you want to put it. so i'm glad i had it done!
give it more time and my back'll be brand new :))
i haven't been up to any art, no painting so far, i just haven't felt up to it strangely, i did get my biggest drawing pad out today and did a bit of drawing this morning but it tires me more than i understand... i guess my body and mind are in need of a break, a rest, i am tired, of a lot of things, contemplating life, maybe too much, i've had too much time on my hands, rethinking options due to doc telling me that the Suddeck in my foot might take another few years to heal, if it ever does... feel like i'm stuck in a void no going back and no future to plan.
of course i still do what i can for Ranger, managed to make some cool little canvases before my op! i'll need to get a good pic of them to post! Kars kept them for a while for marketing purposes but i got them back yesterday! i'll post them after the weekend if i don't forget. they were shown at the Kars tradeshow KKD and so many people thought Tim had made them and i was like hey!!! i made them lol!!! well anyway they loved them so that's cool!
well you know, thats all folks, short update but at least you know i'm still hanging around :)
off to take a nap!
have the best day!
love & peace xx
Sunday, 22 August 2010
Wednesday i'm off to see Paolo Nutini!
it'll be a trip! it's about an hour's drive, i'm not driving of course, a friend is taking me :)
we will have to stop a few times to let me walk around for 10minutes because i'm not allowed to sit so long in the car on one end, so we need to leave pretty early
and i'll be in a wheelchair at the concert.
i tried it yesyerday going to Ikea and it was okay, not much pain, but it's not about the pain, it's about the healing around the new titanium disc!
i'll be careful and won't start dancing or anything! i'm so happy to be going and i got the all clear from the doc just for the one time he said! after that a few days complete bedrest again.
i can live with that :))
i know alot of you want to know how i'm doing, i hope i haven't bored any other readers
i promise there will be more artsy stuff to show soon :))
hang in there with me if you can.
love & peace
Thursday, 12 August 2010
the op went well, i still feel my toes lol! seriously? the whole first week was hell, pain more than i would have imagined, second night my morphin pump packed in and was dripping onto my bed instead of into my arm! i was in total agony and cried the whole night until i felt the drip next to my head and called the nurse! it was too late! i was beyond finding comfort then and needed a muscle relaxant to calm my body down then mrs pain nurse came later that day and said: oh you had a good night! you only pumped morphin from 6am!!! i could have throttled her!!!
well anyway, on day three i was allowed to do some steps! yay for that! i felt human again! instead of feeling like a washed up whale!!!
im feeling better little by little, still hard to move, i have to get up in a certain way, no strength in my back muscles, can't turn my back what so ever but i guess that will get better when i start rehab half September..... i'm sick of lying down, sitting hurts too much, i can do that only for a few minutes at a time. i'm so scared i'll mess up the screws in my back! it just freaks me out they are there!!! i am now know as titanium lady for my friends lol titanium disc and plates screwed into my backbones nice huh! :s
im totally bored!!! i so want to paint or something but i need to be a good girl and rest for the first three weeks let all their handywork settle in my back and then start finding out what i can and can't do.
no household work for at least three months, not even peel patatoes!!! pffff i feel useless to be honest! luckily i have wonderful kids, inez & bart are helping me out loads and as from next week i will have a caretaker 4 hours a day to do all the mammy work around the house because then the littlies are back home.
at the same time i feel loved!! lots of friends came to the hospital, phonecalls! even from spain and seattle( thx diane xx) flowers all over my house :) my old lady neighbour came by this morning with beautiful flowers, she had so missed me she said, sooooo sweet!
ok, it was a post of complaining and frustration! i won't make an art of it lol!
wait till i get back in full swing! give me a few months!!! i have ideas and i'm jotting them down!!!
ok, i'm tired and my two fingers hurt haha so adios for now
love & peace!! and take care of that back! bend through your knees to pick things up :))
Thursday, 29 July 2010
talking of that! last week i found out there has been a change of plan!!! instead of just removing part of the damaged disc they are now going to take the disc away! and replace it with a titanium one wich also means i get metal plates and screws & bolts!
oweeee i wasn't expecting that and can't say i'm too happy either but that's where i stand so as usual i will go through whatever is on my path.
so you see, i'm keeping myself busy!!
Sunday, 18 July 2010
Esther's thank you party
the Marie-Antoinette painting i made for Sue
Angel i painted for Diane Radischat in Seattle
my cool new water lilly blooming after just 3 weeks in the fresh pond
owwww my 2 youngest kiddies Estée & Robin
i loved these fans, i never got around to buying one!!
Valencia, some sightseeing
one of the domes inside Valencia Cathedral
Valencia train station
painting a 'jule' ( little doll in kindergarden here in belgium) for my friend's son Hannes, he needed to take Jule (the doll!!) a present at the end of the schoolyear so aunty tanya had the honour :))
Friday, 16 July 2010
seriously, i've just been taking a break, two sunshine filled weeks in Spain with my friend Sue and her husband Colin, and adventure at times! starting with Sue having a flat tyre on the way to the airport to pick me up! luckily i had a friendly man sitting next to me on the plane, we had been chatting the whole flight, he heard about me having to wait a few hours so he suggested i hitch a ride with him and his two teenagers :)) lucky me! Sue got home hours!!!! later.
then i did my back in! totally! just by leaning over the bathtub to rince my hair, omg!!! i thought i would have to call the inssurance to let me go home! but it subsided a little, enough to still enjoy my holiday, on crutch most of the time but hey!?
We visited Valencia, i loved that! i'll show some pics in my next post, i have my foot up at the moment and don't want to get up to get the SD card from my camera :))
oh and of course i had a few paints and brushes with me so i made a little painting for Sue, pic is still on my camera so that's for the next post
some pics i do have:
Tanya & Sue having cocktails :)
me getting the tatoo!!! painful??? well no!!! i was faking! it's only henna lol!
Sunday, 27 June 2010
i love Paolo's version of this great song!!
i'm lucky to be going to see him 25th of August!! i hope i'll be okay because i have back surgery planned for 4th of August, soooo not looking forward to that at all but it looks like i have no choice!! My eldest daughter is coming to help me out.
i had a full home security system intalled in the house! there were a few burglaries in the area a week ago and not that i am scared but it feels safer sleeping with the alarm on believe me.
i'm off to spain for two weeks in a couple of days for some fun, sun and my friend Sue!! :)) but first TWILIGHT NIGHT with my friend MP :)) 3 films in a row and meeting some of the actors, sadly not 'edward' lol.
happy Summer to you all, i might pass by my blog over the Summer but i am not making any promises :)
love & peace xxx tanya
Sunday, 20 June 2010
i just wanted to let you know i've added a new app :)) a few of my favourite songs, click on 'video' to see Jason Mraz or the ador-able (uhummm) Paolo Nutini!!!!
I am a lucky lucky girl! i've got a ticket to see Paolo in August, happy happy!!!
ok if i make something to show before i head off for Spain i'll blog about it, if not! see you all after my holiday :))
oh and as a huge Twilight fan i'll be going to the Twilight Night marathon before my holiday, three full films in a row and seeing some of the actors!! i mean come on!!! cool or not??!!
ok i'm off to bed, pretty late in my part of the world.... listen to my music! if it gets on your nerves while reading my blog just turn it off :))
love & peace, tanya xxx happy Summer!!!
Wednesday, 2 June 2010
Thursday, 27 May 2010
Saturday, 15 May 2010
Sunday, 9 May 2010
she pretty much squeeled with delight and we immediatly fitted the chain to fit and then she had to change her earrings because they didn't match lol ... and every one just had to admire it! she gave them no choice lol!!
ah well i'm going to let you all have a wonderful day and i'm going to continue to relax out in the sun, today the sun seems to have come back to play and i am not complaining!!!
love & peace
Thursday, 6 May 2010
i hope you all have a wonderful day
love & peace
Monday, 26 April 2010
we have been having the most glorious weather out here, the blossom is coming to full force and so are the number of tourists , almost enough for me to escape it all! omg!!! the amount of bikers! yeah bikers Harleys i mean... all tough dudes coming to see the blossom lol how cute!!! bikers, cyclists, cars, bussssssessss even, all through our tiny little village, a bit of a pain when you are out in the garden having what you thought was going to be a quiet sit down lol!!!
she is a 15X30cm painting on wood
Tuesday, 20 April 2010
the first ice creams have been approved by my little ones! it was such nice weather last weekend that i took them to the playground...
they appear to be wearing matching clothes lol! that was not on purpose
further more i have been busy with upcoming workshops, i went to a Donna Downey workshop in Belgium, it was really nice meeting her and her wonderful husband, it was worth the drive and the long day... and fof any of you who might be wondering... i do take that hat off sometimes :)
i am working on a few paintings at the same time but non of them are finished so not much art top show other than this quick little mixed media canvas i made for norah, my friend's 5 year old daughter! it is a quick job, done while she was waiting and acoording to her orders... huh wishes!!! my my !! she knows what she wants and she loves pink!!!
have a nice day or evening depending where you are in the world... i'm off to start dinner