Ranger educator

Friday, 28 January 2011

1st chemo

i haven't posted since Xmas, not that there hasn't been alot going on, i just didn't have the urge to write much i did have a pretty long post ready last week but never finished it and then deleted it.

life sucks when you have cancer, that is what it kind of boils down to honestly, positive attitude is mostly down the drain, i can't help it, i just feel so upset and scared and can't just get it out of my head that i might not be around to see my youngest kids grow up.

i'm having what looks like post traumatic stress disorder but am starting to see a psychologist about it today at the hospital while having my first chemo

1st chemo of 6 and i am scared to death of the poison that is supposed to kill the cancer.

i haven't been able to paint my way through all of this, i had surgery on my hand just days after my mastectomy, this was planned before i knew about the cancer and i wanted it to go through because i could hardly hold a brush in my hand due to pain and loss of control over a few fingers. hand still sucks! is not healing well, is really stiff and painful, doc says it's take another 4 weeks at least, i really feel the need to paint, to stay sane, to let things out.

anyway, 1st chemo in about 2 hours so i better get moving! i wanted to post now because i have been receiving messages from worried people, just so you all know i'm still here alive and kicking, well not so much kicking, more like rolled up in a ball crying most of the time... so not like me huh? i know.
this thing just seems way bigger than me at the moment. i cannot get used to how i look after op1boob, i just can't.

i have alot of support from friends and family, it helps, it really does, i wouldn't go on if it weren't for all of them. i have had to be so strong over the last years it feels like i've used up all my strength.

right, got to go, hopefully i'm not too sick with the stupid chemo and i get a chance to update you before the next one.

i really wish i had some art to show, this is what my blog was intended for! i'm sorry for all those who i'm boring with the cancer journey instead of pretty things!

love & peace

xx tanya

10 comments:

  1. Thinkng positive thoughts for you
    Hugs xx

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  2. I cross my fingers for you...think of you ...Jolande

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  3. Sending you lots of positive thoughts... You can beat this!

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  4. Jason Mraz zingt:life is wonderful.....maar ook aan je nieuwe avatar is te zien dat dat voor jou momenteel niet opgaat! wat zie je er verdrietig uit...geef de moed niet op hoor! Je weet waar je voor vecht. Je gezin, al je dierbaren en zeker ook voor jezelf. Ook al ben je niet meer dezelfde...met de tijd komt er wel weer een nieuwe Tanya Watts bovendrijven en die is ook de moeite waard! Veel sterkte en lots of love!

    Anette

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  5. You aren't boring me with your story! I'm glad to hear of you and how it's going at the moment. Try to stay positive and I'll hope you don't feel to sick after your chemo!!! You're in my thoughts and keep the faith!!
    Hugs from your neighbouring country!

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  6. BIG HUGS sent across the pond to you!!! XXX You are not boring us with your story, or we wouldn't be here. Currently I am supporting a local friend who will be starting yet another round of chemo on Monday. She does alternating weeks, one week chemo, one week off. She has a mantra that she follows. She's allowed to be down and sick during the chemo week, but on the "off" week she picks herself up, dusts herself off, and doesn't let it get her down. She is still tired and often might not feel to well, but she won't let it get her down. You strike me as having the same strength that she does and I know you will fight this. I hope you know how many people are *here* for you!! Thinking of you constantly (even though I've been a little quiet on the blog!!)

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  7. Sending up breath prayers for you. My hubby has lived with an incurable blood cancer for over 5 years and is in remission. Peace...Diane

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  8. I'm so HAPPY to hear from you. We are alive today and each breath is a gift...my aunt had breast cancer and wanted to remove "one" and she said - no way take both, I want this over with! She went through what she had to and it popped up in my daytimer yesterday that it's been 3 years. She is doing great thank goodness. We take Advil to kill a headache and antibiotics to kill the bad virus so right now I'm loving your meds recipe for killing all those cancer cells. Think of winning while you are getting those treatments. After all you are killing that cancer-yay. Glad you're seeing a psyguy, after taking care of my mom and her passing I know exactly what you mean about PTS syndrome as I have what I call my panic mode with any emergency now. Living on high alert does that to you. Not sure what surgery you had on your hand - I had carpal tunnel surgery in both mine and would do it every year, it was so worth it. Just know that we care what's happening and I'm praying for you to receive incredible peace and strength during this ordeal. Just remember there will come a time when this is done and over with and your paintbrush will be so full ;-) hugs and more hugs.

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  9. Oh my, I just happened on your blog and I've read this - I just want to send encouragemnet your way - have the screaming habdabs, let it all out, then live everyday, think positive thoughts, imagine yourself in the future, at your kids graduation or first job or whatever is important to you and them...then make it your goal to be there. I can say this because I walked throught the valley of the shadow of death with my beloved husband 11 years ago - he's still here to tell the tale and will walk our youngest daughter down the aisle in 4 months time! Heartfelt hugs x

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  10. Hello Tanya,

    Dorien just came over and asked if it has been long since I read your blog... yes it was...

    I can't believe this is happening to you ! You have gone through so much trouble the past years, climbing up every time again, proving you are indeed a strong woman, but even strong woman have their limitiations...

    I'm so, so sorry for you, hearing about the cancer and the masectomie...
    You're right : it's NOT fair, you have had your troubles in live more than enough, but in life things happen... They don't ask you if you will be able to cope with it, it just happens to you, it overwhelms you and you must try to keep your head up...

    I don't know much to say, how to give you courage... I know you will struggle through it again, but I wished it has never happened to you...

    Know there are a lot of people thinking of you;.. luckily you have friends and family who care...
    I'm not religious, so I won't pray for you, but I send you good healing comforting thoughts and keep my fingers crossed for you...

    hugs from Waarschoot
    Inge

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