Ranger educator

Friday, 18 November 2011

I DID IT!!!!!

hiya, i did it! i beat the monster!!! yesterday i had my check up mammo and ultrasound and blood tests and all was clear!!! the cancer has gone! left the building!!!! i am so happy! it's a huge weight off my shoulders, an enormous relief! i am still trying to get my head around it to be honest, i feel kind of numb, don't fully grasp it yet.

i can feel the tension that has been building op these last 11 months, now that i don't need to fight and be strong i can feel how tired i really am. i could just crawl up in a little ball and sleep for a few weeks but no! last night i celebrated with pink champagne!!!

today i made my first appointment with the plastic surgeon, doesn't sound like a big deal but trust me it is! my heart was pounding like mad while i was on the phone!!! 13 February 2012 i will see him, yeah, long wait but it's okay, i need the time to get myself mentally ready for this next step. in the meantime i need to get some strength back so as from next week i'll go swimming once a week with a friend, start small and build myself back up, pick up the pieces.

it is really strange, like standing at an intersection and not knowing which way to go, kind of not knowing where my place is in this universe. i'm not exactly the person is was before...

i have an appointment with my psychologist this coming Tuesday, he will help me clear things up lol!

I think i'm just going to enjoy life for a while, not worry too much about the future, just enjoy now.

love & peace


Thursday, 10 November 2011

time flies!!

hi, hi, hi,

haven't written for a while, but no news i good news they say...

i had a busy summer, i went to spain for the last 2 weeks of july, mostly to rest but i did manage to play alot in Sue's workshop area in her shop, we had so much fun! we had a very peaceful day at the beach, lounging under an umbrella, doing nothing but nap, read, talk,...

Sue, Colin and the spanish sun did me the world of good, so much that i went back for the last 2 weeks of august too! my wonderful son bought me a suprise ticket to Alicante as a gift for going through the cancer ordeal the way i did.

I went to Kars for KKD, tried to do the 2 days but it was still too much for me, i went home the second day, i was so tired. meeting everyone, all asking how i was doing, talking about the cancer all the time, some people never knew i had cancer and even asked why i cut my hair so short, shock when i told them... it was hard for me but on the other hand a few more women are now warned that you can not always feel lumps by checking your breast yourself, no matter how good you do it!

anyway, what else? oh there was SCRApTASTiC of course! they did so well on the organization!!! all the workshops were great, met the other cool teachers an d lots of new faces from all other the world! it was fun but again still too much for me but i did it and i was happy!!

so looking forward to next year!

i've just come back from a week in Ireland with my daughter Debby! oh we had such a great time!!! i was totally exhausted when we got home but it was worth it! i have always wanted to go to Ireland, it was on my bucket list! i have decided to work off a few things fron my bucket list, not to be pessimistic but i will not just sit around and wait to see if the can cer is totally gone or will come back!! i want to live and do the things i like and have always wanted to do!

so Ireland was a wonderful holiday, Debby and i got along soooo well it was beautiful and gave me so much energy! it is a beautiful country, lots of nature and green everywhere.

i have painted! a big angel as a wedding present for friends of my daughter Inez, they had been wanting a painting from me for so long so it was an ideal gift! i don't have pics :(( but i hope to get one from them soon! i don't know why i didn't take pics before i let it go.

how am i feeling? so so to be honest! i am so happy about all the things i have been able to do since my chemo and radiation, i have done way more than i could have imagined but i do pay the price by having to rest for days afterwards but i am willing to take that.

i haven't planned my reconstruction yet, i'm not strong enough to go through the op but i will get there. i have stil not come to terms with my new body, i never will! i just can't! i joke about it and i don't let it keep me from doing things but i still hate it and i have my days of crying myself to sleep. time and surgery will heal.

my cancer tests are coming up... next week a new mamo and other tests, it scares me! 23rd of november i get my results so it is a scary wait. i am trying to stay positive but in a way i just don't want to feel anything, just wait for the facts and take it from there i guess.

oh one more thing! i cleaned up my workroom, with great help from my daughter Inez! i am so pleased with the result, it took us a full week and 4 visits to ikea! and i have upset a disc in my back, had to res for a few weeks before i left for ireland, i am still having bother with it but hey! my workroom looks fab!!

so, i'll be back when i get my results, keep your fingers crossed for me please!

love & peace