first of all thank you for all the heart warming comments and mails and messages, i have not been able to respond to all of them personally simply because there are so many and i don't always feel up to it but i embrace each and every bit of support and if all of you see me as a strong woman then i guess i should try and believe you all and do my best to get through this;
at this moment i don't feel so strong, i feel tiny, tiny tiny tiny!! it feels like the cancer is a huge mountain i need to climb, i know i will make it, it's not like i have a choice now really?!?!
so, this is what is up: last Wednesday i went for the staging, for you who have no idea ( and i wish i hadn't either) staging is a list of tests such as a bone scan, lung Xray, ultrasound of the abdomen, MRI of the breasts in my case, blood been taken by what i swear was a vampire!, i think that was the list but there might have been more tests, it was a long 4 hours of it all and i kind of stepped out of my body during the whole thing!
so, wednesday staging, Wednesday evening i get a phone call from doc saying i need to come in for a CT scan because they found something on my liver, now my world started spinning there for a moment because that could mean that the cancer had spread and that was something i had never really considered, call me weird but i kind of feel things and i really had never included more than breast cancer into my picture
Anyway, the CTscan showed some gathering of blood vessles in my liver, no cancer! as a thought! but it did give me a huge scare and made me pretty angry at the whole world.
my results came back as stage 2b breast cancer, this means i have 4 invasive malignant tumours in my breast, some larger than 2cm and all spread apart with at least 1cm distance and that is where the trouble is!!! they are not one group of tumours, they are all seperate tumours coming originally from one tumour, this is called multifocal breast cancer. the b stands for the fact that my lymphs have been affected too.
this means i need a full mastectomy, in other words they are cutting off my whole breast and taking out most of my lymphs.
This did not come as such a shock anymore, it is what i had expected all along, even when they were still talking about the possibility of a breast saving operation i never believed it, i knew it would be this result, again, just call me weird!
I'm seeing a prof tomorrow to discuss my options for reconstruction along with the mastectomy, my chances are slim to non for this happening because of the gravity of the cancer but i'm going to hang on to the 0.1% chance for now!!!!!
My surgery is now planned for Thursday 23 December, meaning i can stay home for my birthday but will be in hospital over Christmas, this stinks!!!! but they want it out and i want it out!!!
I really don't want to go into 2011 with these tumours, they will not be a part of my new year!
Radiation and chemo however will be a big part of my year and then hopefully i will get a reconstruction done for my 2011 birthday!!!! a girl can dream!!!!
I feel loads of things, there is a storm raging inside my body and mind.
I was totally calm and rational when the doc was discussing it all with me, i remained calm for the rest of the day mostly, i still am pretty calm, i feel the need to scream and cry and rage but it's not happening, i can't do it.
I feel too sad, angry, aggressive,... to let it all out! i know i should and i will, but not just yet i guess.
I am dreading waking up with one boob!!! it is something that just does not feel right!!!! and lots of people are telling me it doesn't make me who i am, that i will still be a whole woman no matter what, and i understand what they are saying but it does not feel like that to me!
To me it just feels like i am going to be mutalated for the rest of my life, i can't feel anything past that feeling yet.
silver lining??? Tanya always finds one huh?
well!!!! my daughter Debby is coming tomorrow, staying for my birthday! I'm really happy about that!!! I will have all 5 my children with me on my birthday! is something to be grateful for! and i am
another one? well... doc suggested a reconstruction with my own body material meaning i will be having a "tummy tuck" at the same time as the reconstruction! a new boob and a flat tummy!!
this a a very thin silver lining and i'm being more sarcastic about it than happy to be honest but hey a least it will be flat and that after having 5 kids!!! I will have to stop losing weight though, the rate i'm going now i'll have nothing for them to use!! I've gone down 2 sizes jeans in about 9 weeks and my new ones are already getting too big and i only bought them about 2 weeks ago.
anyway, this wil probably be the last post till after 'operation one boob' as i am calling it so i want to wish you all a VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!! i hope you all spend it with loved ones, with great food ( not the hospital veggie stuff i will be getting lol!) count your blessings as i will be doing and enjoy!!!
if anything, ENJOY!!!!!
i'll be back after op1boob to rave/rage again!
love & peace
oh and to all you women out there being too chicken to get a mammo done..... please put it on your list for 2011!!!! promise!!!!
15 hours ago