Ranger educator

Sunday, 19 December 2010

here goes...

first of all thank you for all the heart warming comments and mails and messages, i have not been able to respond to all of them personally simply because there are so many and i don't always feel up to it but i embrace each and every bit of support and if all of you see me as a strong woman then i guess i should try and believe you all and do my best to get through this;
at this moment i don't feel so strong, i feel tiny, tiny tiny tiny!! it feels like the cancer is a huge mountain i need to climb, i know i will make it, it's not like i have a choice now really?!?!

so, this is what is up: last Wednesday i went for the staging, for you who have no idea ( and i wish i hadn't either) staging is a list of tests such as a bone scan, lung Xray, ultrasound of the abdomen, MRI of the breasts in my case, blood been taken by what i swear was a vampire!, i think that was the list but there might have been more tests, it was a long 4 hours of it all and i kind of stepped out of my body during the whole thing!
so, wednesday staging, Wednesday evening i get a phone call from doc saying i need to come in for a CT scan because they found something on my liver, now my world started spinning there for a moment because that could mean that the cancer had spread and that was something i had never really considered, call me weird but i kind of feel things and i really had never included more than breast cancer into my picture
Anyway, the CTscan showed some gathering of blood vessles in my liver, no cancer! as a thought! but it did give me a huge scare and made me pretty angry at the whole world.

my results came back as stage 2b breast cancer, this means i have 4 invasive malignant tumours in my breast, some larger than 2cm and all spread apart with at least 1cm distance and that is where the trouble is!!! they are not one group of tumours, they are all seperate tumours coming originally from one tumour, this is called multifocal breast cancer. the b stands for the fact that my lymphs have been affected too.
this means i need a full mastectomy, in other words they are cutting off my whole breast and taking out most of my lymphs.
This did not come as such a shock anymore, it is what i had expected all along, even when they were still talking about the possibility of a breast saving operation i never believed it, i knew it would be this result, again, just call me weird!

I'm seeing a prof tomorrow to discuss my options for reconstruction along with the mastectomy, my chances are slim to non for this happening because of the gravity of the cancer but i'm going to hang on to the 0.1% chance for now!!!!!

My surgery is now planned for Thursday 23 December, meaning i can stay home for my birthday but will be in hospital over Christmas, this stinks!!!! but they want it out and i want it out!!!
I really don't want to go into 2011 with these tumours, they will not be a part of my new year!
Radiation and chemo however will be a big part of my year and then hopefully i will get a reconstruction done for my 2011 birthday!!!! a girl can dream!!!!

I feel loads of things, there is a storm raging inside my body and mind.
I was totally calm and rational when the doc was discussing it all with me, i remained calm for the rest of the day mostly, i still am pretty calm, i feel the need to scream and cry and rage but it's not happening, i can't do it.
I feel too sad, angry, aggressive,... to let it all out! i know i should and i will, but not just yet i guess.

I am dreading waking up with one boob!!! it is something that just does not feel right!!!! and lots of people are telling me it doesn't make me who i am, that i will still be a whole woman no matter what, and i understand what they are saying but it does not feel like that to me!
To me it just feels like i am going to be mutalated for the rest of my life, i can't feel anything past that feeling yet.

silver lining??? Tanya always finds one huh?
well!!!! my daughter Debby is coming tomorrow, staying for my birthday! I'm really happy about that!!! I will have all 5 my children with me on my birthday! is something to be grateful for! and i am

another one? well... doc suggested a reconstruction with my own body material meaning i will be having a "tummy tuck" at the same time as the reconstruction! a new boob and a flat tummy!!
this a a very thin silver lining and i'm being more sarcastic about it than happy to be honest but hey a least it will be flat and that after having 5 kids!!! I will have to stop losing weight though, the rate i'm going now i'll have nothing for them to use!! I've gone down 2 sizes jeans in about 9 weeks and my new ones are already getting too big and i only bought them about 2 weeks ago.

anyway, this wil probably be the last post till after 'operation one boob' as i am calling it so i want to wish you all a VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!! i hope you all spend it with loved ones, with great food ( not the hospital veggie stuff i will be getting lol!) count your blessings as i will be doing and enjoy!!!
if anything, ENJOY!!!!!

i'll be back after op1boob to rave/rage again!

love & peace

oh and to all you women out there being too chicken to get a mammo done..... please put it on your list for 2011!!!! promise!!!!


  1. Tanya, I wish you all the best for operation one boob and I will light a candle for you on the 23 december!! A big hugh from to you and all yours!! X Audrey

  2. Hun, my bestest wishes for you over Christmas. I am thinking of you . GO FIGHT the world, and come back safer and free of the C word!
    Hugs to you and your family

  3. Tanya, I am so sorry to hear about the awful path that life has led you down. Hopefully your operation will be successful and wont be too hard on your body. I am relieved to hear that all of your kids will be there for you, especially on your birthday. Oh and sarcasm is a great way to deal with things if you ask me :) I myself, am pretty sarcastic..and I too always try to find a silver lining when things get murky. I will be thinking happy thoughts for you. Happy Birthday, Merry Christmas and best of luck in the New Year.

  4. you're in my thoughts. wish you all the best for 2011 and a as good as possible end of 2010. don't forget that, despite all, live can be beautiful. ;)

  5. Poeh Tanya, wat een verschrikkelijk nieuws.
    Wat eigenlijk de mooiste tijd van het jaar moet zijn, is voor jou een hel......
    Ik wens je heel veel sterkte!!!!

  6. Hi Tanya,

    You don't know me and I live very far away from you, but I want to send you some good luck, faith and strength all the way from The Netherlands. I saw a link to your blog today when I was looking at Art Journey's site where you recently did some workshops. It struck me to find your bad news, also because I was in the same situation a year ago, so I know a little about what you are going through. And now I see you still at the bottom of this huge mountain, not knowing what the future has in store for you. Confused, worried, your world upside down. I can tell you things will get better, but I know you have to regain that trust yourself. I know now that I learned a lot about myself, that I appeared to be a strong woman. So I hope you will also gain something at the end, although it may seem at first that you are only losing things. So stay hopeful and faithful. Even at the other end of the world someone is thinking about you, sending good energy your way. For me it was helpful to take tiny steps, only worry about the first thing on your path, try not to think too much about the following steps. A giant watermelon can't be eaten in one bite, but if you take a small bite every day, the melon will be gone eventually.
    So take care, sending you love and faith,

    Femke van den Heuvel
    The Netherlands

  7. Tanya I clicked over to wish you a Merry Christmas...and was shocked to hear your news. I'm so sorry to hear after all you have been through this year that you are now FIGHTING cancer. You have already proven you are a strong woman, and this is another battle...a really sucky one! I will be keeping good positive thought for you and your kids.

  8. Ik ken je niet echt, alleen van het Ranger weekend bij Art Journey.
    Ik wil je heel veel sterkte wensen; en ik wens je toe dat je dit kunt neerleggen bij je Schepper. Leg het bij Hem neer, Tanija! Hij is de Enige die je kan dragen in deze moeilijke tijd. En als het zo moet zijn, ook daarna... eeuwig!!

  9. Hello, I am home on Christmas and going through a blogroll and came upon yours. STOPPED dead in my tracks as I read your story - my heart goes out to you. Today being the 25th, your surgery is over and now you begin to heal inside and out. Seems we are all refined by fire in different ways at different times - and this week I was depressed after hearing it's time for another stress test to see if the heart stent is doing o.k. and make sure other arteries aren't at critical....I hate the tests, the fear-all of it....but I will not be putting off my mammogram and I thank you for that. Life is full of intense joy and jagged times of sadness, so many ups and downs - no one escapes the magic and complication of the journey. So, let's live it all OUT LOUD - laugh, scream, cry, write, paint. When I'm going through a really bad time, I think this is still time I was given and each breath is a gift and this WILL pass and if there is one thing I'm sure of - everything will change - each year is different - and I've had some awesome blessings and surprises that were louder than the part I didn't like so much. There are really no words that could express my hope for you so instead I'm asking that angels be sent to give you WHATEVER you need, if you listen, really listen I am confident you will hear their wings moving. In the meantime I surely hope you will Blog when you can as I will have my nose pressed against the screen waiting.......hugs and more hugs.


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