I DID IT!!!!!

hiya, i did it! i beat the monster!!! yesterday i had my check up mammo and ultrasound and blood tests and all was clear!!! the cancer has gone! left the building!!!! i am so happy! it's a huge weight off my shoulders, an enormous relief! i am still trying to get my head around it to be honest, i feel kind of numb, don't fully grasp it yet.

i can feel the tension that has been building op these last 11 months, now that i don't need to fight and be strong i can feel how tired i really am. i could just crawl up in a little ball and sleep for a few weeks but no! last night i celebrated with pink champagne!!!

today i made my first appointment with the plastic surgeon, doesn't sound like a big deal but trust me it is! my heart was pounding like mad while i was on the phone!!! 13 February 2012 i will see him, yeah, long wait but it's okay, i need the time to get myself mentally ready for this next step. in the meantime i need to get some strength back so as from next week i'll go swimming once a week with a friend, start small and build myself back up, pick up the pieces.

it is really strange, like standing at an intersection and not knowing which way to go, kind of not knowing where my place is in this universe. i'm not exactly the person is was before...

i have an appointment with my psychologist this coming Tuesday, he will help me clear things up lol!

I think i'm just going to enjoy life for a while, not worry too much about the future, just enjoy now.

love & peace

tanya

time flies!!

hi, hi, hi,

haven't written for a while, but no news i good news they say...

i had a busy summer, i went to spain for the last 2 weeks of july, mostly to rest but i did manage to play alot in Sue's workshop area in her shop, we had so much fun! we had a very peaceful day at the beach, lounging under an umbrella, doing nothing but nap, read, talk,...

Sue, Colin and the spanish sun did me the world of good, so much that i went back for the last 2 weeks of august too! my wonderful son bought me a suprise ticket to Alicante as a gift for going through the cancer ordeal the way i did.

I went to Kars for KKD, tried to do the 2 days but it was still too much for me, i went home the second day, i was so tired. meeting everyone, all asking how i was doing, talking about the cancer all the time, some people never knew i had cancer and even asked why i cut my hair so short, shock when i told them... it was hard for me but on the other hand a few more women are now warned that you can not always feel lumps by checking your breast yourself, no matter how good you do it!

anyway, what else? oh there was SCRApTASTiC of course! they did so well on the organization!!! all the workshops were great, met the other cool teachers an d lots of new faces from all other the world! it was fun but again still too much for me but i did it and i was happy!!

so looking forward to next year!

i've just come back from a week in Ireland with my daughter Debby! oh we had such a great time!!! i was totally exhausted when we got home but it was worth it! i have always wanted to go to Ireland, it was on my bucket list! i have decided to work off a few things fron my bucket list, not to be pessimistic but i will not just sit around and wait to see if the can cer is totally gone or will come back!! i want to live and do the things i like and have always wanted to do!

so Ireland was a wonderful holiday, Debby and i got along soooo well it was beautiful and gave me so much energy! it is a beautiful country, lots of nature and green everywhere.

i have painted! a big angel as a wedding present for friends of my daughter Inez, they had been wanting a painting from me for so long so it was an ideal gift! i don't have pics :(( but i hope to get one from them soon! i don't know why i didn't take pics before i let it go.


how am i feeling? so so to be honest! i am so happy about all the things i have been able to do since my chemo and radiation, i have done way more than i could have imagined but i do pay the price by having to rest for days afterwards but i am willing to take that.

i haven't planned my reconstruction yet, i'm not strong enough to go through the op but i will get there. i have stil not come to terms with my new body, i never will! i just can't! i joke about it and i don't let it keep me from doing things but i still hate it and i have my days of crying myself to sleep. time and surgery will heal.

my cancer tests are coming up... next week a new mamo and other tests, it scares me! 23rd of november i get my results so it is a scary wait. i am trying to stay positive but in a way i just don't want to feel anything, just wait for the facts and take it from there i guess.

oh one more thing! i cleaned up my workroom, with great help from my daughter Inez! i am so pleased with the result, it took us a full week and 4 visits to ikea! and i have upset a disc in my back, had to res for a few weeks before i left for ireland, i am still having bother with it but hey! my workroom looks fab!!

so, i'll be back when i get my results, keep your fingers crossed for me please!

love & peace

tanya

bring on the Summer!

done done done! all treatment is behind me!!! well except for the meds i need to take for the next 5 years put that is just a pill a day, that doesn't bother me.

I'm glad i got through, maybe not undamaged but i got through non the less; It's been a long six months and i couldn't have done it without the support of my family and friends and many people worldwide checking in to see how is was doing.
I am extremely grateful for all the mails, messages, cards, presents, phonecalls,.... it kept me going, it reminded me that i am loved and liked and that there are millions of reasons to hang around as long as possible.

well, this is my Summer, i plan to enjoy, relax, gain strength, let my hair grow, hopefully get my eyebrows and eyelashes back cause that is what i miss the most! i look so different without them!!

once i feel better i'll have to start planning my reconstruction cause one thing is for sure, i'm not going to stay like this! i can and will not get used to missing a boob! nope! well, that is for long after the Summer anyhow maybe even for next summer depending on what the doc says.

I'm going to Spain for a much needed time off and catch up with my friend Sue and her husband Colin, it'll do me the world of good to get away and soak up some sun and fun.

I still haven't finished the painting i started, i'm just not in the mood and i'm not going to force it but i promise to post as soon as it's done.

right off again, my physical therapist will be here any minute!!

love & peace
tanya xxx

getting there

i can't believe i haven't written since March! life has just been passing me by mostly.
i am done with the chemo, so happy to be able to say that! it was long and hard but it's over!!
now i'm doing the radiotherapy, 8 more goes of the 26 i needed so that too is nearly done with!
my hair is starting to grow back, i have peach fuzz on my head lol, the kids call me fluffy!
my body still aches, i'm still extremely tired most days but i'm happy and hopeful.
i don't know the outcome yet, my first tests are in August, a painful wait but i'm just going to live and try not to think about it!
right, short post, i just wanted to update because alot of people have been getting worried, wondering how i have been doing.
oh, last week i started to paint, i'll show when i'm finished.
love & peace
tanya xxx

nearly halfway

tomorrow i have my 3rd chemo, yeah i know, i never blogged about the 2nd one, for one it hit me pretty hard the first few days and i slept almost 80% of my time just not to have to deal with it cause i really wanted to die o be honest! Chemo is pure poison and you can feel it taking over your body, pretty scary.

anyway, towmorrow i reach the halfway mark for he chemo, i never thought i would get this far, i wanted to give up after the first but no matter how i feel i really haven' got a choice, i need to go through the treatment if i want to have a chance to see my kids grow up.

you would thing i'm going through enough already, well my ex-husband doesn't seem to think so!

I booked a weekend away with all five of the kids for my youngest daughter's 8th birthday, i miscalculated the weekends for them going to their dad so i ended up booking for one of his weekends, i didn't do it to bug him, it was an honest chemo brain mistake; I asked him if we could exchange weekends so we could go but hell no! he doesn't want to; my daughter is hearbroken over it and i am totally p'ed off with him, he is doing it to get to me but at the same time he is hurting the kids but he doesn't see that.

i hae now had to cancel the booking, paying half of the cost of the weekend as fee and then booked a weekend earlier and paying the full amount again. it sucks! now it is a verrrry expensive weekend Sunparks but hey what can i do?

ok, not much to talk about, my life is not that exciting at the moment!
wish me luck for tomorrow's chem
xx love & peace , tanya

fingers crossed

i'm keeping my fingers crossed, if all goes well i may be going home today!!
Nine days in hospital is more than i can take! i soooo want to go home to my kids.
It has been a rollercoaster ride!
in the meantime my hair dropped out, hair everywhere, evenhough it was shaved short it still was everywhere and i hurt like hell, for one night it was like my head was on fire, i sat with ice packs on my head for hours to ease the pain! not all of it dropped out but most of it so i had to have it shaved bald and it really takes some getting used to, some of my friends say it suits me, that i can pull it off and i must say i do have a pretty skull lol! as for as pretty goes for skulls that is :)

anyway, hopefully i can go home today and i can say bye to the staff, except for the food here i cannot complain! the staff have been WONDERFUL! most of them remember me from my back surgery and that helps but honestly they have been great, so helpful and kind, understaffed or not they are a super bunch!!

Friday chemo 2 of 6 and let's hope i don't go as deep this time! i don' think i will, i think they know now which meds to give me to make it easier and i am definetly getting the Neulasta injections for my white blood cells, now that i have medical indication to recieve them the inssurance will automatically pay for them, they are expensive, over a 1000 euro each time and i will get them for every chemo.

okay, off to watch some more daytime tv lol! hope to post from home next time.

love & peace x

pffff...

okay chemo sucks! I'm am not one of the lucky few that go through firs chemo like a breeze! it is awful and heavy!

the first evening i felt so ill, i was as white as a sheet and just crawled up in a ball when i got home
the weekend was better! much better! i could eat quite normally but then i was still on heavy meds against the nausea, Emend is a goooood drug lol!
but after 2 days of meds that was it, i became so ill, i couldn't hold anything down, no food, no drinks, i felt so sick and exhausted and ended up spending half a day in hospital on Wednesday trying to get some fluids in me and getting a miracle shot of Litican.
i kept taking Litican in tablets for the next day or two and slowly i was able to eat again.

i had a wonderful weekend with my daughter Debby, she came home for the weekend. We even went into the city to a Goth shop lol, totally her scene, we had a fun time together.
Sunday i wasn't feeling my usual self, muscle aches and splitting headache and just so tired but i stayed up until Debby left and then went straight for a nap. woke up shivering and damn i had a fever and i am not supposed to have fevers so off to emergancy i had to go and yeah they kept me in hospital.
thank goodness for wireless in the hospital because i'm still here!!
my white blood cell count is too low, my platelets are too low and i have an infection they cannot localize, still getting high temperatures and my blood pressure is way too low.

Chemo was just too heavy for my body and is kicking my butt! but the doctors are thinking up all things possible to make the next round easier on me.

i'm bored stiff in hospital! no visitors allowed besides family, but not the kiddies so i skype with them and they enjoy that. private room for fear of infection so nobody to talk to... pfff days are long and daytime tv sucks!!!

well anyway, waiting for my white blood cell count to go up up up!!! and fever to stay away for at least 48 hours and then i can go home! sadly my temperature is still too high at the moment so it kind of sucks!!!

and then.... next week back to chemo with hopefully more meds against the side effects of the poison!

1 down 5 to go! i just hope they all don't put me in hospital cos the journey is already a long one and it is really hard organizing everything with the kids.

oh and my hair is shaved, Debby did it for me so now i won't have to go through seeing it drop out.
well it is already droppin out but it doesn't feel so bad because my hair is only 1mm long now :)

right almost lunchtime here! that'll be an adventure again!!! i know hospital food is not like home cooking but damn it's bad! asa vegeterian i have a choice of 2 diff burgers, honest to god you could kill someone with them, they are so hard and dry. soup has beef or chicken stock in it so not for me either! i have actually got my own cup a soups with me and a tiny kettle and my son brings me home made bread so at least i get something to eat.
doesn't feel like the right place to get my strength back! when i was in here for my back surgery i lost 4,5kg, with my mastectomy i lost 3kg in 4 days so i wonder how much it'll be this time!

ok, my tray arrived lol i have to go

love & peace
tanya

1st chemo

i haven't posted since Xmas, not that there hasn't been alot going on, i just didn't have the urge to write much i did have a pretty long post ready last week but never finished it and then deleted it.

life sucks when you have cancer, that is what it kind of boils down to honestly, positive attitude is mostly down the drain, i can't help it, i just feel so upset and scared and can't just get it out of my head that i might not be around to see my youngest kids grow up.

i'm having what looks like post traumatic stress disorder but am starting to see a psychologist about it today at the hospital while having my first chemo

1st chemo of 6 and i am scared to death of the poison that is supposed to kill the cancer.

i haven't been able to paint my way through all of this, i had surgery on my hand just days after my mastectomy, this was planned before i knew about the cancer and i wanted it to go through because i could hardly hold a brush in my hand due to pain and loss of control over a few fingers. hand still sucks! is not healing well, is really stiff and painful, doc says it's take another 4 weeks at least, i really feel the need to paint, to stay sane, to let things out.

anyway, 1st chemo in about 2 hours so i better get moving! i wanted to post now because i have been receiving messages from worried people, just so you all know i'm still here alive and kicking, well not so much kicking, more like rolled up in a ball crying most of the time... so not like me huh? i know.
this thing just seems way bigger than me at the moment. i cannot get used to how i look after op1boob, i just can't.

i have alot of support from friends and family, it helps, it really does, i wouldn't go on if it weren't for all of them. i have had to be so strong over the last years it feels like i've used up all my strength.

right, got to go, hopefully i'm not too sick with the stupid chemo and i get a chance to update you before the next one.

i really wish i had some art to show, this is what my blog was intended for! i'm sorry for all those who i'm boring with the cancer journey instead of pretty things!

love & peace

xx tanya