Ranger educator

Thursday 24 September 2009

art is healing

My mother passed away yesterday.
a short and hard statement and the reality of life and death.
her suffering has come to an end and for that i am relieved for her
my dreams of ever having a mum have passed away along with her.
where does that leave me? i really do not know at this point in time.
and the totally sad thing is that the family is so divided by all this, my eldest brother is not coping with the way i am coping with it, my second brother showed up after 17 years of not knowing where he was an expected way too much of me, my youngest brother seems to be the wisest of the three of them and can at least talk calmly and with thought. i guess grief does weird things to people so i am trying my best not to take offence and to understand that they are simply not being themselves.
it is making the whole ordeal very stressful and more painful than it already is.

you know what? you get to know who your true friends are in times like these and that is heart warming and helps more than i will ever be able to put into words.
but i breathe, i look at my kids and i breathe, my Estée came into the kitchen this evening, i was peeling potatoes for dinner, she stood there blinking her eyes at me and i asked what she was doing, i am showing you my love she said! ohhhh do i even have to tell you that i had to fight back tears??? i am so glad to be a mum! makes me even sadder that my mother never took that opportunity, such a waste. but okay, it is past, tanya it is past!

yesterday my two youngest kids ran the cross country school run,

i am not saying they won prizes but i was proud of their effort and everyone got a medal and my little girl was over the moon with hers! and of course she was not going to run in a plain white t-shirt! tssss what was i thinking! pink necklace and purple top made it a stylish event.

i realize just how blessed i am in this life even though i did not have the conventional youth growing up with a mum and dad, happy family and all that... i still am a whole person and i am happy with who i am and i do not care if there are some people (family) who would like to see me be different and more like them.
i am me and i am proud of that, i have kind of realized that in this whole ordeal.
i am a true believer of every cloud having a silver lining and here my youngest brother has turned out to be the silver lining! so little bro, if you read this, know that i appreciate all your kind words and the respect you have shown me and know that the feeling is mutual!
art... i have been drawing, here is just one of my girls, the background is not finished but there is no rush; her face is far from symmetrical but you know what? i like her, she has wisdom to her

wishing you all a lovely weekend, enjoy your family and loved ones
love is life!!! xxxx

Tuesday 15 September 2009

i know it's been a while

oh i have been a bad blogger but life has been keeping me busy.

Summer came and went in a flash, the kids have been back to school two weeks already, we are still getting used to the early mornings and catching the schoolbus on time.

Estée is now in school and no longer in kindergarden, so that means homework! and she takes it seriously, so cute, learning to read and write and she is already so good at it.
smart girl my little six year old, the youngest, in school, time kind of flies.
and not only when you are having fun i have found out.

my mother has Alzheimers, she is 59 and has been ill for a long time now, i haven't followed it from close, we hadn't really spoken in years and before that we never had a real connection, i grew up in England with my dad and only got to know my mother as a teenager, it was too late to connect.

she is in the final stage and it is so sad to witness this degrading illness taking away who she was. Her partner in life is a real saint, he has been taking care for her through out the whole thing, i hope she realized how lucky she was with him.
it sounds hard but i never actually had a mum but now i know i never will have one, no more chances.

all i can do is forgive her and wish her a safe journey. and i have done just that. what else is there? i hope she has peace with herself, that her soul has learned in this life.

i used to think i was superwoman but now i admit to being a little tired. the whole ordeal with my daughter, the Sudeck in my foot, my divorce and now my mother, it seems to be too much to handle in one little year.

but i am who i am and i get through things, i always do... so i will this time too!

i am lucky to be able to ventilate in my art, i still draw every evening and i still paint and i write and it all helps me to stay sane. i am lucky to have friends to talk to when i need to.

so as you see life has been throwing lemons at me, just a matter of figuring out how to make the lemonade.

you all bear with me i will have some art to show for all this once i get through it.

thanks for stopping by, have a great day and take care

love, t