buying a bikini soon!

hi everyone, i'm back with an update...

first of all i got good results on my cancer tests last week so 9 months cancer free now :)

i had my first visit to the plastic surgeon and i was so nervous for that but my friend Esther went with me and helped me over my nerves and gave me moral support.

the surgeon is a wonderful man, very calm, understanding and he really took his time to explain all the options for my reconstruction.

I already knew really well how i wanted it done and he quickly got that i was well informed and had made my decision a long time ago so he didn't send me home to think over the options...

he sent me home with a date!!!!

9 th of May i am having my reconstruction!!!!!

i was so happy, i cried, seriously i thought i would have to wait a lot longer but MAY?!

it's only 10 weeks away, i can hardly believe it.

i am scared to death of the surgery but at the same time looking forward to having it all done.

so first part of reconstruction is in May and the second part about 3 months later.

it's going to be a heavy year again but in a very different way than last year, i got through the whole treatment so i will get through this too!!

the only drawback is the cost!!!!

even after insurance i still have to pay so much money out of pocket, money i simply haven't got, it's not really easy to build up the piggy bank with all the medical costs I've been facing :(

my daughter Inez and bff Esther have started up a sale of my art on t-shirts to raise some money to help me out with my reconstruction, they are so sweet!!!

you can find the details on my art page on facebook

rusty angel art

or email me wattstanya@skynet.be

(sorry, i tried to add link but it didn't work so just copy & paste)

i will pass your mail on to Inez to deal with.

Iam sooooooo happy to have come this far and this Summer...

BIKINI TIME!!!!

i will have a flat tummy seeing they are using it to construct my new breast

so hey after all i've been through i might as well get something good out of it and enjoy it :)

love & peace

Tanya xxx

this is just one of the shirts you can choose from.

they are great quality, i have already got 2 myself and love them, of course i'm not objective, after all it's my own art haha, but seriously they are great.

I DID IT!!!!!

hiya, i did it! i beat the monster!!! yesterday i had my check up mammo and ultrasound and blood tests and all was clear!!! the cancer has gone! left the building!!!! i am so happy! it's a huge weight off my shoulders, an enormous relief! i am still trying to get my head around it to be honest, i feel kind of numb, don't fully grasp it yet.

i can feel the tension that has been building op these last 11 months, now that i don't need to fight and be strong i can feel how tired i really am. i could just crawl up in a little ball and sleep for a few weeks but no! last night i celebrated with pink champagne!!!

today i made my first appointment with the plastic surgeon, doesn't sound like a big deal but trust me it is! my heart was pounding like mad while i was on the phone!!! 13 February 2012 i will see him, yeah, long wait but it's okay, i need the time to get myself mentally ready for this next step. in the meantime i need to get some strength back so as from next week i'll go swimming once a week with a friend, start small and build myself back up, pick up the pieces.

it is really strange, like standing at an intersection and not knowing which way to go, kind of not knowing where my place is in this universe. i'm not exactly the person is was before...

i have an appointment with my psychologist this coming Tuesday, he will help me clear things up lol!

I think i'm just going to enjoy life for a while, not worry too much about the future, just enjoy now.

love & peace

tanya

time flies!!

hi, hi, hi,

haven't written for a while, but no news i good news they say...

i had a busy summer, i went to spain for the last 2 weeks of july, mostly to rest but i did manage to play alot in Sue's workshop area in her shop, we had so much fun! we had a very peaceful day at the beach, lounging under an umbrella, doing nothing but nap, read, talk,...

Sue, Colin and the spanish sun did me the world of good, so much that i went back for the last 2 weeks of august too! my wonderful son bought me a suprise ticket to Alicante as a gift for going through the cancer ordeal the way i did.

I went to Kars for KKD, tried to do the 2 days but it was still too much for me, i went home the second day, i was so tired. meeting everyone, all asking how i was doing, talking about the cancer all the time, some people never knew i had cancer and even asked why i cut my hair so short, shock when i told them... it was hard for me but on the other hand a few more women are now warned that you can not always feel lumps by checking your breast yourself, no matter how good you do it!

anyway, what else? oh there was SCRApTASTiC of course! they did so well on the organization!!! all the workshops were great, met the other cool teachers an d lots of new faces from all other the world! it was fun but again still too much for me but i did it and i was happy!!

so looking forward to next year!

i've just come back from a week in Ireland with my daughter Debby! oh we had such a great time!!! i was totally exhausted when we got home but it was worth it! i have always wanted to go to Ireland, it was on my bucket list! i have decided to work off a few things fron my bucket list, not to be pessimistic but i will not just sit around and wait to see if the can cer is totally gone or will come back!! i want to live and do the things i like and have always wanted to do!

so Ireland was a wonderful holiday, Debby and i got along soooo well it was beautiful and gave me so much energy! it is a beautiful country, lots of nature and green everywhere.

i have painted! a big angel as a wedding present for friends of my daughter Inez, they had been wanting a painting from me for so long so it was an ideal gift! i don't have pics :(( but i hope to get one from them soon! i don't know why i didn't take pics before i let it go.


how am i feeling? so so to be honest! i am so happy about all the things i have been able to do since my chemo and radiation, i have done way more than i could have imagined but i do pay the price by having to rest for days afterwards but i am willing to take that.

i haven't planned my reconstruction yet, i'm not strong enough to go through the op but i will get there. i have stil not come to terms with my new body, i never will! i just can't! i joke about it and i don't let it keep me from doing things but i still hate it and i have my days of crying myself to sleep. time and surgery will heal.

my cancer tests are coming up... next week a new mamo and other tests, it scares me! 23rd of november i get my results so it is a scary wait. i am trying to stay positive but in a way i just don't want to feel anything, just wait for the facts and take it from there i guess.

oh one more thing! i cleaned up my workroom, with great help from my daughter Inez! i am so pleased with the result, it took us a full week and 4 visits to ikea! and i have upset a disc in my back, had to res for a few weeks before i left for ireland, i am still having bother with it but hey! my workroom looks fab!!

so, i'll be back when i get my results, keep your fingers crossed for me please!

love & peace

tanya

bring on the Summer!

done done done! all treatment is behind me!!! well except for the meds i need to take for the next 5 years put that is just a pill a day, that doesn't bother me.

I'm glad i got through, maybe not undamaged but i got through non the less; It's been a long six months and i couldn't have done it without the support of my family and friends and many people worldwide checking in to see how is was doing.
I am extremely grateful for all the mails, messages, cards, presents, phonecalls,.... it kept me going, it reminded me that i am loved and liked and that there are millions of reasons to hang around as long as possible.

well, this is my Summer, i plan to enjoy, relax, gain strength, let my hair grow, hopefully get my eyebrows and eyelashes back cause that is what i miss the most! i look so different without them!!

once i feel better i'll have to start planning my reconstruction cause one thing is for sure, i'm not going to stay like this! i can and will not get used to missing a boob! nope! well, that is for long after the Summer anyhow maybe even for next summer depending on what the doc says.

I'm going to Spain for a much needed time off and catch up with my friend Sue and her husband Colin, it'll do me the world of good to get away and soak up some sun and fun.

I still haven't finished the painting i started, i'm just not in the mood and i'm not going to force it but i promise to post as soon as it's done.

right off again, my physical therapist will be here any minute!!

love & peace
tanya xxx

getting there

i can't believe i haven't written since March! life has just been passing me by mostly.
i am done with the chemo, so happy to be able to say that! it was long and hard but it's over!!
now i'm doing the radiotherapy, 8 more goes of the 26 i needed so that too is nearly done with!
my hair is starting to grow back, i have peach fuzz on my head lol, the kids call me fluffy!
my body still aches, i'm still extremely tired most days but i'm happy and hopeful.
i don't know the outcome yet, my first tests are in August, a painful wait but i'm just going to live and try not to think about it!
right, short post, i just wanted to update because alot of people have been getting worried, wondering how i have been doing.
oh, last week i started to paint, i'll show when i'm finished.
love & peace
tanya xxx

nearly halfway

tomorrow i have my 3rd chemo, yeah i know, i never blogged about the 2nd one, for one it hit me pretty hard the first few days and i slept almost 80% of my time just not to have to deal with it cause i really wanted to die o be honest! Chemo is pure poison and you can feel it taking over your body, pretty scary.

anyway, towmorrow i reach the halfway mark for he chemo, i never thought i would get this far, i wanted to give up after the first but no matter how i feel i really haven' got a choice, i need to go through the treatment if i want to have a chance to see my kids grow up.

you would thing i'm going through enough already, well my ex-husband doesn't seem to think so!

I booked a weekend away with all five of the kids for my youngest daughter's 8th birthday, i miscalculated the weekends for them going to their dad so i ended up booking for one of his weekends, i didn't do it to bug him, it was an honest chemo brain mistake; I asked him if we could exchange weekends so we could go but hell no! he doesn't want to; my daughter is hearbroken over it and i am totally p'ed off with him, he is doing it to get to me but at the same time he is hurting the kids but he doesn't see that.

i hae now had to cancel the booking, paying half of the cost of the weekend as fee and then booked a weekend earlier and paying the full amount again. it sucks! now it is a verrrry expensive weekend Sunparks but hey what can i do?

ok, not much to talk about, my life is not that exciting at the moment!
wish me luck for tomorrow's chem
xx love & peace , tanya

fingers crossed

i'm keeping my fingers crossed, if all goes well i may be going home today!!
Nine days in hospital is more than i can take! i soooo want to go home to my kids.
It has been a rollercoaster ride!
in the meantime my hair dropped out, hair everywhere, evenhough it was shaved short it still was everywhere and i hurt like hell, for one night it was like my head was on fire, i sat with ice packs on my head for hours to ease the pain! not all of it dropped out but most of it so i had to have it shaved bald and it really takes some getting used to, some of my friends say it suits me, that i can pull it off and i must say i do have a pretty skull lol! as for as pretty goes for skulls that is :)

anyway, hopefully i can go home today and i can say bye to the staff, except for the food here i cannot complain! the staff have been WONDERFUL! most of them remember me from my back surgery and that helps but honestly they have been great, so helpful and kind, understaffed or not they are a super bunch!!

Friday chemo 2 of 6 and let's hope i don't go as deep this time! i don' think i will, i think they know now which meds to give me to make it easier and i am definetly getting the Neulasta injections for my white blood cells, now that i have medical indication to recieve them the inssurance will automatically pay for them, they are expensive, over a 1000 euro each time and i will get them for every chemo.

okay, off to watch some more daytime tv lol! hope to post from home next time.

love & peace x

pffff...

okay chemo sucks! I'm am not one of the lucky few that go through firs chemo like a breeze! it is awful and heavy!

the first evening i felt so ill, i was as white as a sheet and just crawled up in a ball when i got home
the weekend was better! much better! i could eat quite normally but then i was still on heavy meds against the nausea, Emend is a goooood drug lol!
but after 2 days of meds that was it, i became so ill, i couldn't hold anything down, no food, no drinks, i felt so sick and exhausted and ended up spending half a day in hospital on Wednesday trying to get some fluids in me and getting a miracle shot of Litican.
i kept taking Litican in tablets for the next day or two and slowly i was able to eat again.

i had a wonderful weekend with my daughter Debby, she came home for the weekend. We even went into the city to a Goth shop lol, totally her scene, we had a fun time together.
Sunday i wasn't feeling my usual self, muscle aches and splitting headache and just so tired but i stayed up until Debby left and then went straight for a nap. woke up shivering and damn i had a fever and i am not supposed to have fevers so off to emergancy i had to go and yeah they kept me in hospital.
thank goodness for wireless in the hospital because i'm still here!!
my white blood cell count is too low, my platelets are too low and i have an infection they cannot localize, still getting high temperatures and my blood pressure is way too low.

Chemo was just too heavy for my body and is kicking my butt! but the doctors are thinking up all things possible to make the next round easier on me.

i'm bored stiff in hospital! no visitors allowed besides family, but not the kiddies so i skype with them and they enjoy that. private room for fear of infection so nobody to talk to... pfff days are long and daytime tv sucks!!!

well anyway, waiting for my white blood cell count to go up up up!!! and fever to stay away for at least 48 hours and then i can go home! sadly my temperature is still too high at the moment so it kind of sucks!!!

and then.... next week back to chemo with hopefully more meds against the side effects of the poison!

1 down 5 to go! i just hope they all don't put me in hospital cos the journey is already a long one and it is really hard organizing everything with the kids.

oh and my hair is shaved, Debby did it for me so now i won't have to go through seeing it drop out.
well it is already droppin out but it doesn't feel so bad because my hair is only 1mm long now :)

right almost lunchtime here! that'll be an adventure again!!! i know hospital food is not like home cooking but damn it's bad! asa vegeterian i have a choice of 2 diff burgers, honest to god you could kill someone with them, they are so hard and dry. soup has beef or chicken stock in it so not for me either! i have actually got my own cup a soups with me and a tiny kettle and my son brings me home made bread so at least i get something to eat.
doesn't feel like the right place to get my strength back! when i was in here for my back surgery i lost 4,5kg, with my mastectomy i lost 3kg in 4 days so i wonder how much it'll be this time!

ok, my tray arrived lol i have to go

love & peace
tanya

1st chemo

i haven't posted since Xmas, not that there hasn't been alot going on, i just didn't have the urge to write much i did have a pretty long post ready last week but never finished it and then deleted it.

life sucks when you have cancer, that is what it kind of boils down to honestly, positive attitude is mostly down the drain, i can't help it, i just feel so upset and scared and can't just get it out of my head that i might not be around to see my youngest kids grow up.

i'm having what looks like post traumatic stress disorder but am starting to see a psychologist about it today at the hospital while having my first chemo

1st chemo of 6 and i am scared to death of the poison that is supposed to kill the cancer.

i haven't been able to paint my way through all of this, i had surgery on my hand just days after my mastectomy, this was planned before i knew about the cancer and i wanted it to go through because i could hardly hold a brush in my hand due to pain and loss of control over a few fingers. hand still sucks! is not healing well, is really stiff and painful, doc says it's take another 4 weeks at least, i really feel the need to paint, to stay sane, to let things out.

anyway, 1st chemo in about 2 hours so i better get moving! i wanted to post now because i have been receiving messages from worried people, just so you all know i'm still here alive and kicking, well not so much kicking, more like rolled up in a ball crying most of the time... so not like me huh? i know.
this thing just seems way bigger than me at the moment. i cannot get used to how i look after op1boob, i just can't.

i have alot of support from friends and family, it helps, it really does, i wouldn't go on if it weren't for all of them. i have had to be so strong over the last years it feels like i've used up all my strength.

right, got to go, hopefully i'm not too sick with the stupid chemo and i get a chance to update you before the next one.

i really wish i had some art to show, this is what my blog was intended for! i'm sorry for all those who i'm boring with the cancer journey instead of pretty things!

love & peace

xx tanya

OP1BOOB

first of all: MERRRRRRY XMAS! a little too late but i hope al of you out there had a wonderful Christmas with family, good food and lots of joy.

I'm still in hospital so i spent my Xmas here and the kids did their very best to make it nice, they brought lots of food, homemade pastry, my son has talent!! We had a cosy evening, they stayed till about midnight i think, can't remember but anyway, it was as nice as could be.

I had my op1boob on Thursday as planned, no chance in reconstruction staight away because another test had proven that the cancer in my lymphs was invasive too so i will have to go through a heavy course of chemo first and then about 30 rounds of radiation.
But you know what? I'm not as shocked as i thought i would be, sure i cried when i first saw how flat my t-shirt was on one side! sure i howled for over an hour in the bathroom the first time i washed myself, i cried until i couldn't recognize my own face in the mirror, sure i've been walking around in a somewhat zombie fashion trying to wake up from this nightmare!
but the fact remains that my boob is gone, it is ugly, i look like a teenage boy on the left side, my remaing boob looks way too big for my body all of a sudden, i kind of wish they had just chopped that one off too, just for balance!
but i can look at it now, i'm not so scared of it, it is what it is, it looks weird, it hurts, the drains are the worst! omg!!!!! still ggot one drain stuck in, they removed one yesterday i nearly fainted! hopefully the last one goes today cause it really is uncomfortable having a tube stuck in your chest and having to walk around with this yukkie bottle stuck in a gift bag! yeah they put my drainage bottle in this little gift bag with a cute little elephant on it that says:" i like to play"... uhhhh??? okay!?! i don't find that very amusing to be honest.

The op went as it was supposed to, they took out a lot of lymphs, everything will be tested so they can plan my chemo and possibly hormonal treatment in four weeks time.

four weeks to let the wound heal, a bit of a rest before the next fight, another big nasty fight with the chemo and i am scared, i really am but then again i was scared to death of having my boob chopped off and i survived that too, i have even been able to laugh and smile after that, what else can i do???

My kids bought me a super cool Sony digital book reader! just what i needed right now! i love the old fashioned feel of holding a book but i tell you this E reader is really handy, light, easy to read, i just love it!!!!

right, i need to go, stuff to be done, even in hospital there is no rest for the wicked!

love you all! thanks for all your support!!
xxx

here goes...

hi,
first of all thank you for all the heart warming comments and mails and messages, i have not been able to respond to all of them personally simply because there are so many and i don't always feel up to it but i embrace each and every bit of support and if all of you see me as a strong woman then i guess i should try and believe you all and do my best to get through this;
at this moment i don't feel so strong, i feel tiny, tiny tiny tiny!! it feels like the cancer is a huge mountain i need to climb, i know i will make it, it's not like i have a choice now really?!?!

so, this is what is up: last Wednesday i went for the staging, for you who have no idea ( and i wish i hadn't either) staging is a list of tests such as a bone scan, lung Xray, ultrasound of the abdomen, MRI of the breasts in my case, blood been taken by what i swear was a vampire!, i think that was the list but there might have been more tests, it was a long 4 hours of it all and i kind of stepped out of my body during the whole thing!
so, wednesday staging, Wednesday evening i get a phone call from doc saying i need to come in for a CT scan because they found something on my liver, now my world started spinning there for a moment because that could mean that the cancer had spread and that was something i had never really considered, call me weird but i kind of feel things and i really had never included more than breast cancer into my picture
Anyway, the CTscan showed some gathering of blood vessles in my liver, no cancer! as a thought! but it did give me a huge scare and made me pretty angry at the whole world.

my results came back as stage 2b breast cancer, this means i have 4 invasive malignant tumours in my breast, some larger than 2cm and all spread apart with at least 1cm distance and that is where the trouble is!!! they are not one group of tumours, they are all seperate tumours coming originally from one tumour, this is called multifocal breast cancer. the b stands for the fact that my lymphs have been affected too.
this means i need a full mastectomy, in other words they are cutting off my whole breast and taking out most of my lymphs.
This did not come as such a shock anymore, it is what i had expected all along, even when they were still talking about the possibility of a breast saving operation i never believed it, i knew it would be this result, again, just call me weird!

I'm seeing a prof tomorrow to discuss my options for reconstruction along with the mastectomy, my chances are slim to non for this happening because of the gravity of the cancer but i'm going to hang on to the 0.1% chance for now!!!!!

My surgery is now planned for Thursday 23 December, meaning i can stay home for my birthday but will be in hospital over Christmas, this stinks!!!! but they want it out and i want it out!!!
I really don't want to go into 2011 with these tumours, they will not be a part of my new year!
Radiation and chemo however will be a big part of my year and then hopefully i will get a reconstruction done for my 2011 birthday!!!! a girl can dream!!!!

I feel loads of things, there is a storm raging inside my body and mind.
I was totally calm and rational when the doc was discussing it all with me, i remained calm for the rest of the day mostly, i still am pretty calm, i feel the need to scream and cry and rage but it's not happening, i can't do it.
I feel too sad, angry, aggressive,... to let it all out! i know i should and i will, but not just yet i guess.

I am dreading waking up with one boob!!! it is something that just does not feel right!!!! and lots of people are telling me it doesn't make me who i am, that i will still be a whole woman no matter what, and i understand what they are saying but it does not feel like that to me!
To me it just feels like i am going to be mutalated for the rest of my life, i can't feel anything past that feeling yet.

silver lining??? Tanya always finds one huh?
well!!!! my daughter Debby is coming tomorrow, staying for my birthday! I'm really happy about that!!! I will have all 5 my children with me on my birthday! is something to be grateful for! and i am

another one? well... doc suggested a reconstruction with my own body material meaning i will be having a "tummy tuck" at the same time as the reconstruction! a new boob and a flat tummy!!
this a a very thin silver lining and i'm being more sarcastic about it than happy to be honest but hey a least it will be flat and that after having 5 kids!!! I will have to stop losing weight though, the rate i'm going now i'll have nothing for them to use!! I've gone down 2 sizes jeans in about 9 weeks and my new ones are already getting too big and i only bought them about 2 weeks ago.

anyway, this wil probably be the last post till after 'operation one boob' as i am calling it so i want to wish you all a VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!! i hope you all spend it with loved ones, with great food ( not the hospital veggie stuff i will be getting lol!) count your blessings as i will be doing and enjoy!!!
if anything, ENJOY!!!!!

i'll be back after op1boob to rave/rage again!

love & peace
tanya

oh and to all you women out there being too chicken to get a mammo done..... please put it on your list for 2011!!!! promise!!!!

my year of bad luck is not done yet...

hi blog readers,
i've been a stranger for a long time
my back is healing brilliantly, couldn't ask for a better result, still having to take it easy, which i wasn't always doing of course!
i've had loads to blog about really, had a wonderful, wonderful Be Rangerized weekend at Art Journey! fab peaople to work with, Louise & her team are angels and everything was organized till the last detail which was lucky for me because i was sooooo sick the night before our 3-day event, it wasn't even funny! i eventually got there and worked through it living on sportsdrink, lost likos i tell you! but it was worth it! so many happy people, all Rangerized wohaha!

but ok! it took me more than that to come and finally blog
and i hope you all have a seat!

two days ago i weny for a mammograph, one i had asked for myself, don't ask me why...
painful on any given day, us girls know that, mammo showed something, and ultrasound followed and there they found 4 lumps in my left breast, the lumps looked to be benign but the radiologist said she coud not be a 100% sure and wanted to do a punction for a biopsy right there and then but gave me the option of waiting 3 months to go back for another ultrasound instead but i sais no, just do the puntcion now! omg!!!! not something i wish on anyone.
yesterday i had to phone in for the results, so i did and they weren't there yet so doc was going to get back to me, one more hour of waiting and i felt sick with stress
she phoned and said she did not want to discuss anything on the phone, i needed to go to the hospital about an hour later, i wanted to know something so she said this is not news i can tell you just like this,n i need to see you face to face so we can discuss options and treatment
well my body just collapsed.
i luckily had my friend Curtis to drive me in because he was just on his way to my house, we go in and sit down and she says: you are not going to like what i am about to tell you but there is no other way of saying it, you have breast cancer...
my head was spinning
4 malignant tumours in left breast
once i m done crying she explains
they now need to check if there aren't more tumours in there, ones that are away from the group of four, check with a full body MRI if the cancer hasn't spread to other organs or bone
MRI is next Wednesday
next Friday i go in to discuss what was found
my options as she explained at the minute are:
best option: they find nothing more than the 4 tumours, if the tumours measure under 2cm a piece i get a breast saving surgery on the 20 of December( that's a day before my 43rd birthday), radiation to follow. my largest 2 tumours are now 1,8cm
next option: they find more tumours loose from the group of 4 then i get a breast amputation, radiation to follow
worst option: there is cancer elsewhere in my body: i did not even want to hear about that just yet so i don't know what will happen then

chemotherapy will depend on what they fnd in my lymphs or not, so still remains to be figured out.

there that is the deal! no beating around the bush on it. my cards have been dealt once again not in my favour to say the least.

my world has been turned upside down in the matter of 2 days, i can't begin to expalin how i feel, actually still pretty numb.

doc says my immune system has been attacked so hard by the suddeck and the meds and then heavy back surgery, it just provoked the cancer to show sooner, she reckons i would have gotten it somewhere down the line anyway, now it's just sooner than later.

you know what? i really don't think this is fair!!!! i breastfed all my children, i check my boobs every month! the gyno just checked them 5 weeks ago, there was nothing to be felt!
i just had this weirdest feeling i needed a mammo!!! this is so not fair! not fair!

my gp came by last night, gave me something to calm, don't know what but way stronger than valium that was for sure, i was so mellow, i've never used drugs but i felt pretty high and drunk last night, even giggling about this whole thing! meds have totally worn off though, believe me, i know where i'm at. it's not a nice place to be at!

why am i sharing all of this with you? for one i can't go through it alone and secondly, i know for a fact there are a lot of women who dread having mammo's, who postpone it! well DON'T!!!! are you listening???? go get it done! do it for me! do it for yourself mainly!!! just think about it! my tumours could not be felt from the outside, nothing to be seen, no indications what so ever! now, i don't want to scare you but please, better safe than sorry.

am i scared? well hell of course i am! one of my worst nightmare ever has been to lose a breast, it is just unthinkable to me, always has been! and here i am facing the possibility up close and personal.
all my friends are tellin me i'm strong, that i will get through this, and yes i am strong, i've proven that a few times too many already, kind of sick of having to prove it over and over again, i'm kind of tired maybe???
but they are right! no way am i letting this break me, i will get through it, i will get better, i have no choice, i have 5 kids and 2 of them are still little, i'm not a quitter and i won't quit on this one either.

i'm lucky to have lots of friends, loving kids and my friend Curtis who is being a rock in all of this, he is heaven sent! what a time to prove this so fresh and new relationship!!! we met at the end of September and just decided to give it a chance as a couple last Sunday!!!! hell of a way to test love!!!

right, what more is there to say?

love you all!

love & peace

Tanya

hiya, i've been a bit quiet, i know, life just get's in the way sometimes...
update on my surgery: all is good!!! really good! op was clearly a success! okay i need to take it easy, still not doing housework and all that stuff but i am lot more mobile than before the op even considering my Suddeck
and i can drive again! short distances and not three times a day i have learned! my back is still very sore and i still feel a torn muscle in my back, yeah, i did that trying to get up in the first week i was home! just bad luck lol! it's healing surely but slowly or slowly but surely lol how ever you want to put it. so i'm glad i had it done!
give it more time and my back'll be brand new :))

i haven't been up to any art, no painting so far, i just haven't felt up to it strangely, i did get my biggest drawing pad out today and did a bit of drawing this morning but it tires me more than i understand... i guess my body and mind are in need of a break, a rest, i am tired, of a lot of things, contemplating life, maybe too much, i've had too much time on my hands, rethinking options due to doc telling me that the Suddeck in my foot might take another few years to heal, if it ever does... feel like i'm stuck in a void no going back and no future to plan.

of course i still do what i can for Ranger, managed to make some cool little canvases before my op! i'll need to get a good pic of them to post! Kars kept them for a while for marketing purposes but i got them back yesterday! i'll post them after the weekend if i don't forget. they were shown at the Kars tradeshow KKD and so many people thought Tim had made them and i was like hey!!! i made them lol!!! well anyway they loved them so that's cool!

well you know, thats all folks, short update but at least you know i'm still hanging around :)

off to take a nap!

have the best day!
love & peace xx

a week gone by

well, re-reading my last post i must say things have changed alot! i am walking around, okay not far or anything, just into my garden and around the house but still! it's a huge improvement compared to last week!!

the stitches are out and that too is a big relief! what a difference it makes, especially for sitting, still hurts to sit but less every day!

i am pleased, for the first time i think this op was a good idea! , my foot is straight again, before my left foot twisted outwards and it was really painful along with the Suddeck that is in that foot anyway.

Suddeck is giving me alot more bother because of the pain signals going to my back but i'm coping with that, i'm okay.

boredom is my biggest problem, i miss painting and fiddeling around in my studio :((

i did do a little drawing, you know, lying around the whole day made me think of Frida Kahlo lol so i tried to draw while laying on my side! hard to do i tell you! an adventure seeing the rest of my day i watch tv grrrr i now know when to plant tulips, paint rooms, decorate, remove stains from dirty carpets,.... daytime tv sucks!!!

here's my Frida folk art doll :))

she's just in my Rehab Moleskine Sketchbook

not too bad concidering my circumstances!

Wednesday i'm off to see Paolo Nutini!

it'll be a trip! it's about an hour's drive, i'm not driving of course, a friend is taking me :)

we will have to stop a few times to let me walk around for 10minutes because i'm not allowed to sit so long in the car on one end, so we need to leave pretty early

and i'll be in a wheelchair at the concert.

i tried it yesyerday going to Ikea and it was okay, not much pain, but it's not about the pain, it's about the healing around the new titanium disc!

i'll be careful and won't start dancing or anything! i'm so happy to be going and i got the all clear from the doc just for the one time he said! after that a few days complete bedrest again.

i can live with that :))

i know alot of you want to know how i'm doing, i hope i haven't bored any other readers

i promise there will be more artsy stuff to show soon :))

hang in there with me if you can.

love & peace

tanya xx

post op update

hi i'm back home!! well i got home on Monday but haven't had the enegry to write until today! it's had typing while laying on my side, two-finger typing :)
the op went well, i still feel my toes lol! seriously? the whole first week was hell, pain more than i would have imagined, second night my morphin pump packed in and was dripping onto my bed instead of into my arm! i was in total agony and cried the whole night until i felt the drip next to my head and called the nurse! it was too late! i was beyond finding comfort then and needed a muscle relaxant to calm my body down then mrs pain nurse came later that day and said: oh you had a good night! you only pumped morphin from 6am!!! i could have throttled her!!!
well anyway, on day three i was allowed to do some steps! yay for that! i felt human again! instead of feeling like a washed up whale!!!

im feeling better little by little, still hard to move, i have to get up in a certain way, no strength in my back muscles, can't turn my back what so ever but i guess that will get better when i start rehab half September..... i'm sick of lying down, sitting hurts too much, i can do that only for a few minutes at a time. i'm so scared i'll mess up the screws in my back! it just freaks me out they are there!!! i am now know as titanium lady for my friends lol titanium disc and plates screwed into my backbones nice huh! :s

im totally bored!!! i so want to paint or something but i need to be a good girl and rest for the first three weeks let all their handywork settle in my back and then start finding out what i can and can't do.
no household work for at least three months, not even peel patatoes!!! pffff i feel useless to be honest! luckily i have wonderful kids, inez & bart are helping me out loads and as from next week i will have a caretaker 4 hours a day to do all the mammy work around the house because then the littlies are back home.

at the same time i feel loved!! lots of friends came to the hospital, phonecalls! even from spain and seattle( thx diane xx) flowers all over my house :) my old lady neighbour came by this morning with beautiful flowers, she had so missed me she said, sooooo sweet!

ok, it was a post of complaining and frustration! i won't make an art of it lol!
wait till i get back in full swing! give me a few months!!! i have ideas and i'm jotting them down!!!

ok, i'm tired and my two fingers hurt haha so adios for now

love & peace!! and take care of that back! bend through your knees to pick things up :))

xxx

making the most of it!

hey peeps, where to start? well, havent been making much art though i am in the middle of a painting at the moment, a beautiful angel inspired by my friend MP, she will also be the new owner of this painting and i showed her a half finished version of it today and she is in love with it and recognized herself in it so my mission is accomplished and that makes me happy :)

here the half finished angel

what else? well i'm making most of my month July seeing August will be one of getting back on my feet after the surgery!

talking of that! last week i found out there has been a change of plan!!! instead of just removing part of the damaged disc they are now going to take the disc away! and replace it with a titanium one wich also means i get metal plates and screws & bolts!

oweeee i wasn't expecting that and can't say i'm too happy either but that's where i stand so as usual i will go through whatever is on my path.

i plan on making my hospital stay as bright as possible! so i will be pretty in pink :)

i got all pink pj's, a pink dressing gown, slippers, undies, all pink of course! i'm taking my pink laptop, i've got pink towels and plan on getting a pink throw for my hospital bed :)) hey! might just brighten up the place while i'm there and it kind of takes my mind of the actual event.

but! before the 4 of August i still have a few plans :))

thursday: park concert with kids & friends

friday: my friend kaat is coming to catch up after her holiday and in the evening i am going to a trailer trash party bash! a birthday party under a bridge lol! and we have to dress the part too! i got some cool 'trashy' clothes last week and am looking forward to dressing up and seeing all my friend's clothes too

saturday: another birthday party but with normal clothes ;)

Sunday: going out for dinner with my friend kelly

Monday: going out for the day with my friend peter

Tuesday: hum i'd best stay home on tuesday :)) pack my bag and pay all the bills before i head of to hospital on wednesday

so you see, i'm keeping myself busy!!

and now off to bed! half past midnight & beauty sleep is calling :))

if i don't drop by before the op i wish you all sunshine filled days, cool nights and good health

love & peace, tanya xox

just some Summer pics

ok here are some Summer impressions,

uploaded in random order

Rock Herk, the girls and me

we saw a really neat group called Auf Der Maur! heavy rock! so cool!!

(notice the blue crutch laying next to me? i was totally in pain by the end of the day but it was fun!!)

Kapermolen park concert

the bunch & me

Karin's birthday bbq

find me on the 2nd row, 4th pic :))

Esther's thank you party

the Marie-Antoinette painting i made for Sue

Angel i painted for Diane Radischat in Seattle

my cool new water lilly blooming after just 3 weeks in the fresh pond

owwww my 2 youngest kiddies Estée & Robin

Valencia!!!

this man was selling all the important fiesta goods for the world cup final Spain-Netherlands

it was so cool when Spain won! fiesta and fireworks everywhere!!

i loved these fans, i never got around to buying one!!

Valencia, some sightseeing

one of the domes inside Valencia Cathedral

Valencia, boulevards

Valencia train station

Sue & me having cocktails

my henna tatoo, i got a 2nd gekko put on later

me pretending the tatoo hurt :))

painting a 'jule' ( little doll in kindergarden here in belgium) for my friend's son Hannes, he needed to take Jule (the doll!!) a present at the end of the schoolyear so aunty tanya had the honour :))

as you see he was really happy and his teacher had trouble getting it off him lol

Robin in the pool

Estéé
ok, that was it until now :)

my Summer will be cut short through the surgery on my back on 4th of August so i'm having as much fun as i can before then

have a super sunshine filled day!!!

love & peace

tanya xx

time flies!!

it has been ages since i have written on my blog, i can't say it's because i haven't had the time :) and it's not because i haven't got anything to say or to show... just call me lazy lol!!!



seriously, i've just been taking a break, two sunshine filled weeks in Spain with my friend Sue and her husband Colin, and adventure at times! starting with Sue having a flat tyre on the way to the airport to pick me up! luckily i had a friendly man sitting next to me on the plane, we had been chatting the whole flight, he heard about me having to wait a few hours so he suggested i hitch a ride with him and his two teenagers :)) lucky me! Sue got home hours!!!! later.



then i did my back in! totally! just by leaning over the bathtub to rince my hair, omg!!! i thought i would have to call the inssurance to let me go home! but it subsided a little, enough to still enjoy my holiday, on crutch most of the time but hey!?



We visited Valencia, i loved that! i'll show some pics in my next post, i have my foot up at the moment and don't want to get up to get the SD card from my camera :))



oh and of course i had a few paints and brushes with me so i made a little painting for Sue, pic is still on my camera so that's for the next post

some pics i do have:

this is the angel i painted for Diane Radichat in Seattle

(we were at Ranger together)

Tanya & Sue having cocktails :)

my gekko tatoo

me getting the tatoo!!! painful??? well no!!! i was faking! it's only henna lol!

i'm kind of tired!! went to a park concert last night, always fun because most of my friends are there too and in the Summer there is a concert every Thursday! so next week i'm taking the kiddies, there is so much for them to do there, it'll be fun!

today i picked the kiddies up from their two week stay at their dad, so glad to have them home again :))

tomorrow we are going to ROCK HERK, a rock festival not too far from here, loads of my friends are going too so it'll be great!!

Wednesday i'm off to my friend Esther's birthday BBQ

lol no wonder i'm tired huh?? but Summer is good for meeting up with friends and having loads of fun i think! pain or no pain :)) no use lying around all the time huh!

i have a few commisioned paintings to start but for now i'm going to just keep my feet up and have a rest with a good book

till next time :)

love & peace

tanya xx

Paolo Nutini - What a Wonderful World

i love Paolo's version of this great song!!

i'm lucky to be going to see him 25th of August!! i hope i'll be okay because i have back surgery planned for 4th of August, soooo not looking forward to that at all but it looks like i have no choice!! My eldest daughter is coming to help me out.

i had a full home security system intalled in the house! there were a few burglaries in the area a week ago and not that i am scared but it feels safer sleeping with the alarm on believe me.

i'm off to spain for two weeks in a couple of days for some fun, sun and my friend Sue!! :)) but first TWILIGHT NIGHT with my friend MP :)) 3 films in a row and meeting some of the actors, sadly not 'edward' lol.

happy Summer to you all, i might pass by my blog over the Summer but i am not making any promises :)

love & peace xxx tanya

hi! hi!

hiya all, just a really quick hello, no art to show, life has been way to busy... no rest for the wicked :)
i just wanted to let you know i've added a new app :)) a few of my favourite songs, click on 'video' to see Jason Mraz or the ador-able (uhummm) Paolo Nutini!!!!
I am a lucky lucky girl! i've got a ticket to see Paolo in August, happy happy!!!

ok if i make something to show before i head off for Spain i'll blog about it, if not! see you all after my holiday :))

oh and as a huge Twilight fan i'll be going to the Twilight Night marathon before my holiday, three full films in a row and seeing some of the actors!! i mean come on!!! cool or not??!!
ok i'm off to bed, pretty late in my part of the world.... listen to my music! if it gets on your nerves while reading my blog just turn it off :))
love & peace, tanya xxx happy Summer!!!