OP1BOOB

first of all: MERRRRRRY XMAS! a little too late but i hope al of you out there had a wonderful Christmas with family, good food and lots of joy.

I'm still in hospital so i spent my Xmas here and the kids did their very best to make it nice, they brought lots of food, homemade pastry, my son has talent!! We had a cosy evening, they stayed till about midnight i think, can't remember but anyway, it was as nice as could be.

I had my op1boob on Thursday as planned, no chance in reconstruction staight away because another test had proven that the cancer in my lymphs was invasive too so i will have to go through a heavy course of chemo first and then about 30 rounds of radiation.
But you know what? I'm not as shocked as i thought i would be, sure i cried when i first saw how flat my t-shirt was on one side! sure i howled for over an hour in the bathroom the first time i washed myself, i cried until i couldn't recognize my own face in the mirror, sure i've been walking around in a somewhat zombie fashion trying to wake up from this nightmare!
but the fact remains that my boob is gone, it is ugly, i look like a teenage boy on the left side, my remaing boob looks way too big for my body all of a sudden, i kind of wish they had just chopped that one off too, just for balance!
but i can look at it now, i'm not so scared of it, it is what it is, it looks weird, it hurts, the drains are the worst! omg!!!!! still ggot one drain stuck in, they removed one yesterday i nearly fainted! hopefully the last one goes today cause it really is uncomfortable having a tube stuck in your chest and having to walk around with this yukkie bottle stuck in a gift bag! yeah they put my drainage bottle in this little gift bag with a cute little elephant on it that says:" i like to play"... uhhhh??? okay!?! i don't find that very amusing to be honest.

The op went as it was supposed to, they took out a lot of lymphs, everything will be tested so they can plan my chemo and possibly hormonal treatment in four weeks time.

four weeks to let the wound heal, a bit of a rest before the next fight, another big nasty fight with the chemo and i am scared, i really am but then again i was scared to death of having my boob chopped off and i survived that too, i have even been able to laugh and smile after that, what else can i do???

My kids bought me a super cool Sony digital book reader! just what i needed right now! i love the old fashioned feel of holding a book but i tell you this E reader is really handy, light, easy to read, i just love it!!!!

right, i need to go, stuff to be done, even in hospital there is no rest for the wicked!

love you all! thanks for all your support!!
xxx

here goes...

hi,
first of all thank you for all the heart warming comments and mails and messages, i have not been able to respond to all of them personally simply because there are so many and i don't always feel up to it but i embrace each and every bit of support and if all of you see me as a strong woman then i guess i should try and believe you all and do my best to get through this;
at this moment i don't feel so strong, i feel tiny, tiny tiny tiny!! it feels like the cancer is a huge mountain i need to climb, i know i will make it, it's not like i have a choice now really?!?!

so, this is what is up: last Wednesday i went for the staging, for you who have no idea ( and i wish i hadn't either) staging is a list of tests such as a bone scan, lung Xray, ultrasound of the abdomen, MRI of the breasts in my case, blood been taken by what i swear was a vampire!, i think that was the list but there might have been more tests, it was a long 4 hours of it all and i kind of stepped out of my body during the whole thing!
so, wednesday staging, Wednesday evening i get a phone call from doc saying i need to come in for a CT scan because they found something on my liver, now my world started spinning there for a moment because that could mean that the cancer had spread and that was something i had never really considered, call me weird but i kind of feel things and i really had never included more than breast cancer into my picture
Anyway, the CTscan showed some gathering of blood vessles in my liver, no cancer! as a thought! but it did give me a huge scare and made me pretty angry at the whole world.

my results came back as stage 2b breast cancer, this means i have 4 invasive malignant tumours in my breast, some larger than 2cm and all spread apart with at least 1cm distance and that is where the trouble is!!! they are not one group of tumours, they are all seperate tumours coming originally from one tumour, this is called multifocal breast cancer. the b stands for the fact that my lymphs have been affected too.
this means i need a full mastectomy, in other words they are cutting off my whole breast and taking out most of my lymphs.
This did not come as such a shock anymore, it is what i had expected all along, even when they were still talking about the possibility of a breast saving operation i never believed it, i knew it would be this result, again, just call me weird!

I'm seeing a prof tomorrow to discuss my options for reconstruction along with the mastectomy, my chances are slim to non for this happening because of the gravity of the cancer but i'm going to hang on to the 0.1% chance for now!!!!!

My surgery is now planned for Thursday 23 December, meaning i can stay home for my birthday but will be in hospital over Christmas, this stinks!!!! but they want it out and i want it out!!!
I really don't want to go into 2011 with these tumours, they will not be a part of my new year!
Radiation and chemo however will be a big part of my year and then hopefully i will get a reconstruction done for my 2011 birthday!!!! a girl can dream!!!!

I feel loads of things, there is a storm raging inside my body and mind.
I was totally calm and rational when the doc was discussing it all with me, i remained calm for the rest of the day mostly, i still am pretty calm, i feel the need to scream and cry and rage but it's not happening, i can't do it.
I feel too sad, angry, aggressive,... to let it all out! i know i should and i will, but not just yet i guess.

I am dreading waking up with one boob!!! it is something that just does not feel right!!!! and lots of people are telling me it doesn't make me who i am, that i will still be a whole woman no matter what, and i understand what they are saying but it does not feel like that to me!
To me it just feels like i am going to be mutalated for the rest of my life, i can't feel anything past that feeling yet.

silver lining??? Tanya always finds one huh?
well!!!! my daughter Debby is coming tomorrow, staying for my birthday! I'm really happy about that!!! I will have all 5 my children with me on my birthday! is something to be grateful for! and i am

another one? well... doc suggested a reconstruction with my own body material meaning i will be having a "tummy tuck" at the same time as the reconstruction! a new boob and a flat tummy!!
this a a very thin silver lining and i'm being more sarcastic about it than happy to be honest but hey a least it will be flat and that after having 5 kids!!! I will have to stop losing weight though, the rate i'm going now i'll have nothing for them to use!! I've gone down 2 sizes jeans in about 9 weeks and my new ones are already getting too big and i only bought them about 2 weeks ago.

anyway, this wil probably be the last post till after 'operation one boob' as i am calling it so i want to wish you all a VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!! i hope you all spend it with loved ones, with great food ( not the hospital veggie stuff i will be getting lol!) count your blessings as i will be doing and enjoy!!!
if anything, ENJOY!!!!!

i'll be back after op1boob to rave/rage again!

love & peace
tanya

oh and to all you women out there being too chicken to get a mammo done..... please put it on your list for 2011!!!! promise!!!!

my year of bad luck is not done yet...

hi blog readers,
i've been a stranger for a long time
my back is healing brilliantly, couldn't ask for a better result, still having to take it easy, which i wasn't always doing of course!
i've had loads to blog about really, had a wonderful, wonderful Be Rangerized weekend at Art Journey! fab peaople to work with, Louise & her team are angels and everything was organized till the last detail which was lucky for me because i was sooooo sick the night before our 3-day event, it wasn't even funny! i eventually got there and worked through it living on sportsdrink, lost likos i tell you! but it was worth it! so many happy people, all Rangerized wohaha!

but ok! it took me more than that to come and finally blog
and i hope you all have a seat!

two days ago i weny for a mammograph, one i had asked for myself, don't ask me why...
painful on any given day, us girls know that, mammo showed something, and ultrasound followed and there they found 4 lumps in my left breast, the lumps looked to be benign but the radiologist said she coud not be a 100% sure and wanted to do a punction for a biopsy right there and then but gave me the option of waiting 3 months to go back for another ultrasound instead but i sais no, just do the puntcion now! omg!!!! not something i wish on anyone.
yesterday i had to phone in for the results, so i did and they weren't there yet so doc was going to get back to me, one more hour of waiting and i felt sick with stress
she phoned and said she did not want to discuss anything on the phone, i needed to go to the hospital about an hour later, i wanted to know something so she said this is not news i can tell you just like this,n i need to see you face to face so we can discuss options and treatment
well my body just collapsed.
i luckily had my friend Curtis to drive me in because he was just on his way to my house, we go in and sit down and she says: you are not going to like what i am about to tell you but there is no other way of saying it, you have breast cancer...
my head was spinning
4 malignant tumours in left breast
once i m done crying she explains
they now need to check if there aren't more tumours in there, ones that are away from the group of four, check with a full body MRI if the cancer hasn't spread to other organs or bone
MRI is next Wednesday
next Friday i go in to discuss what was found
my options as she explained at the minute are:
best option: they find nothing more than the 4 tumours, if the tumours measure under 2cm a piece i get a breast saving surgery on the 20 of December( that's a day before my 43rd birthday), radiation to follow. my largest 2 tumours are now 1,8cm
next option: they find more tumours loose from the group of 4 then i get a breast amputation, radiation to follow
worst option: there is cancer elsewhere in my body: i did not even want to hear about that just yet so i don't know what will happen then

chemotherapy will depend on what they fnd in my lymphs or not, so still remains to be figured out.

there that is the deal! no beating around the bush on it. my cards have been dealt once again not in my favour to say the least.

my world has been turned upside down in the matter of 2 days, i can't begin to expalin how i feel, actually still pretty numb.

doc says my immune system has been attacked so hard by the suddeck and the meds and then heavy back surgery, it just provoked the cancer to show sooner, she reckons i would have gotten it somewhere down the line anyway, now it's just sooner than later.

you know what? i really don't think this is fair!!!! i breastfed all my children, i check my boobs every month! the gyno just checked them 5 weeks ago, there was nothing to be felt!
i just had this weirdest feeling i needed a mammo!!! this is so not fair! not fair!

my gp came by last night, gave me something to calm, don't know what but way stronger than valium that was for sure, i was so mellow, i've never used drugs but i felt pretty high and drunk last night, even giggling about this whole thing! meds have totally worn off though, believe me, i know where i'm at. it's not a nice place to be at!

why am i sharing all of this with you? for one i can't go through it alone and secondly, i know for a fact there are a lot of women who dread having mammo's, who postpone it! well DON'T!!!! are you listening???? go get it done! do it for me! do it for yourself mainly!!! just think about it! my tumours could not be felt from the outside, nothing to be seen, no indications what so ever! now, i don't want to scare you but please, better safe than sorry.

am i scared? well hell of course i am! one of my worst nightmare ever has been to lose a breast, it is just unthinkable to me, always has been! and here i am facing the possibility up close and personal.
all my friends are tellin me i'm strong, that i will get through this, and yes i am strong, i've proven that a few times too many already, kind of sick of having to prove it over and over again, i'm kind of tired maybe???
but they are right! no way am i letting this break me, i will get through it, i will get better, i have no choice, i have 5 kids and 2 of them are still little, i'm not a quitter and i won't quit on this one either.

i'm lucky to have lots of friends, loving kids and my friend Curtis who is being a rock in all of this, he is heaven sent! what a time to prove this so fresh and new relationship!!! we met at the end of September and just decided to give it a chance as a couple last Sunday!!!! hell of a way to test love!!!

right, what more is there to say?

love you all!

love & peace

Tanya

hiya, i've been a bit quiet, i know, life just get's in the way sometimes...
update on my surgery: all is good!!! really good! op was clearly a success! okay i need to take it easy, still not doing housework and all that stuff but i am lot more mobile than before the op even considering my Suddeck
and i can drive again! short distances and not three times a day i have learned! my back is still very sore and i still feel a torn muscle in my back, yeah, i did that trying to get up in the first week i was home! just bad luck lol! it's healing surely but slowly or slowly but surely lol how ever you want to put it. so i'm glad i had it done!
give it more time and my back'll be brand new :))

i haven't been up to any art, no painting so far, i just haven't felt up to it strangely, i did get my biggest drawing pad out today and did a bit of drawing this morning but it tires me more than i understand... i guess my body and mind are in need of a break, a rest, i am tired, of a lot of things, contemplating life, maybe too much, i've had too much time on my hands, rethinking options due to doc telling me that the Suddeck in my foot might take another few years to heal, if it ever does... feel like i'm stuck in a void no going back and no future to plan.

of course i still do what i can for Ranger, managed to make some cool little canvases before my op! i'll need to get a good pic of them to post! Kars kept them for a while for marketing purposes but i got them back yesterday! i'll post them after the weekend if i don't forget. they were shown at the Kars tradeshow KKD and so many people thought Tim had made them and i was like hey!!! i made them lol!!! well anyway they loved them so that's cool!

well you know, thats all folks, short update but at least you know i'm still hanging around :)

off to take a nap!

have the best day!
love & peace xx

a week gone by

well, re-reading my last post i must say things have changed alot! i am walking around, okay not far or anything, just into my garden and around the house but still! it's a huge improvement compared to last week!!

the stitches are out and that too is a big relief! what a difference it makes, especially for sitting, still hurts to sit but less every day!

i am pleased, for the first time i think this op was a good idea! , my foot is straight again, before my left foot twisted outwards and it was really painful along with the Suddeck that is in that foot anyway.

Suddeck is giving me alot more bother because of the pain signals going to my back but i'm coping with that, i'm okay.

boredom is my biggest problem, i miss painting and fiddeling around in my studio :((

i did do a little drawing, you know, lying around the whole day made me think of Frida Kahlo lol so i tried to draw while laying on my side! hard to do i tell you! an adventure seeing the rest of my day i watch tv grrrr i now know when to plant tulips, paint rooms, decorate, remove stains from dirty carpets,.... daytime tv sucks!!!

here's my Frida folk art doll :))

she's just in my Rehab Moleskine Sketchbook

not too bad concidering my circumstances!

Wednesday i'm off to see Paolo Nutini!

it'll be a trip! it's about an hour's drive, i'm not driving of course, a friend is taking me :)

we will have to stop a few times to let me walk around for 10minutes because i'm not allowed to sit so long in the car on one end, so we need to leave pretty early

and i'll be in a wheelchair at the concert.

i tried it yesyerday going to Ikea and it was okay, not much pain, but it's not about the pain, it's about the healing around the new titanium disc!

i'll be careful and won't start dancing or anything! i'm so happy to be going and i got the all clear from the doc just for the one time he said! after that a few days complete bedrest again.

i can live with that :))

i know alot of you want to know how i'm doing, i hope i haven't bored any other readers

i promise there will be more artsy stuff to show soon :))

hang in there with me if you can.

love & peace

tanya xx

post op update

hi i'm back home!! well i got home on Monday but haven't had the enegry to write until today! it's had typing while laying on my side, two-finger typing :)
the op went well, i still feel my toes lol! seriously? the whole first week was hell, pain more than i would have imagined, second night my morphin pump packed in and was dripping onto my bed instead of into my arm! i was in total agony and cried the whole night until i felt the drip next to my head and called the nurse! it was too late! i was beyond finding comfort then and needed a muscle relaxant to calm my body down then mrs pain nurse came later that day and said: oh you had a good night! you only pumped morphin from 6am!!! i could have throttled her!!!
well anyway, on day three i was allowed to do some steps! yay for that! i felt human again! instead of feeling like a washed up whale!!!

im feeling better little by little, still hard to move, i have to get up in a certain way, no strength in my back muscles, can't turn my back what so ever but i guess that will get better when i start rehab half September..... i'm sick of lying down, sitting hurts too much, i can do that only for a few minutes at a time. i'm so scared i'll mess up the screws in my back! it just freaks me out they are there!!! i am now know as titanium lady for my friends lol titanium disc and plates screwed into my backbones nice huh! :s

im totally bored!!! i so want to paint or something but i need to be a good girl and rest for the first three weeks let all their handywork settle in my back and then start finding out what i can and can't do.
no household work for at least three months, not even peel patatoes!!! pffff i feel useless to be honest! luckily i have wonderful kids, inez & bart are helping me out loads and as from next week i will have a caretaker 4 hours a day to do all the mammy work around the house because then the littlies are back home.

at the same time i feel loved!! lots of friends came to the hospital, phonecalls! even from spain and seattle( thx diane xx) flowers all over my house :) my old lady neighbour came by this morning with beautiful flowers, she had so missed me she said, sooooo sweet!

ok, it was a post of complaining and frustration! i won't make an art of it lol!
wait till i get back in full swing! give me a few months!!! i have ideas and i'm jotting them down!!!

ok, i'm tired and my two fingers hurt haha so adios for now

love & peace!! and take care of that back! bend through your knees to pick things up :))

xxx

making the most of it!

hey peeps, where to start? well, havent been making much art though i am in the middle of a painting at the moment, a beautiful angel inspired by my friend MP, she will also be the new owner of this painting and i showed her a half finished version of it today and she is in love with it and recognized herself in it so my mission is accomplished and that makes me happy :)

here the half finished angel

what else? well i'm making most of my month July seeing August will be one of getting back on my feet after the surgery!

talking of that! last week i found out there has been a change of plan!!! instead of just removing part of the damaged disc they are now going to take the disc away! and replace it with a titanium one wich also means i get metal plates and screws & bolts!

oweeee i wasn't expecting that and can't say i'm too happy either but that's where i stand so as usual i will go through whatever is on my path.

i plan on making my hospital stay as bright as possible! so i will be pretty in pink :)

i got all pink pj's, a pink dressing gown, slippers, undies, all pink of course! i'm taking my pink laptop, i've got pink towels and plan on getting a pink throw for my hospital bed :)) hey! might just brighten up the place while i'm there and it kind of takes my mind of the actual event.

but! before the 4 of August i still have a few plans :))

thursday: park concert with kids & friends

friday: my friend kaat is coming to catch up after her holiday and in the evening i am going to a trailer trash party bash! a birthday party under a bridge lol! and we have to dress the part too! i got some cool 'trashy' clothes last week and am looking forward to dressing up and seeing all my friend's clothes too

saturday: another birthday party but with normal clothes ;)

Sunday: going out for dinner with my friend kelly

Monday: going out for the day with my friend peter

Tuesday: hum i'd best stay home on tuesday :)) pack my bag and pay all the bills before i head of to hospital on wednesday

so you see, i'm keeping myself busy!!

and now off to bed! half past midnight & beauty sleep is calling :))

if i don't drop by before the op i wish you all sunshine filled days, cool nights and good health

love & peace, tanya xox

just some Summer pics

ok here are some Summer impressions,

uploaded in random order

Rock Herk, the girls and me

we saw a really neat group called Auf Der Maur! heavy rock! so cool!!

(notice the blue crutch laying next to me? i was totally in pain by the end of the day but it was fun!!)

Kapermolen park concert

the bunch & me

Karin's birthday bbq

find me on the 2nd row, 4th pic :))

Esther's thank you party

the Marie-Antoinette painting i made for Sue

Angel i painted for Diane Radischat in Seattle

my cool new water lilly blooming after just 3 weeks in the fresh pond

owwww my 2 youngest kiddies Estée & Robin

Valencia!!!

this man was selling all the important fiesta goods for the world cup final Spain-Netherlands

it was so cool when Spain won! fiesta and fireworks everywhere!!

i loved these fans, i never got around to buying one!!

Valencia, some sightseeing

one of the domes inside Valencia Cathedral

Valencia, boulevards

Valencia train station

Sue & me having cocktails

my henna tatoo, i got a 2nd gekko put on later

me pretending the tatoo hurt :))

painting a 'jule' ( little doll in kindergarden here in belgium) for my friend's son Hannes, he needed to take Jule (the doll!!) a present at the end of the schoolyear so aunty tanya had the honour :))

as you see he was really happy and his teacher had trouble getting it off him lol

Robin in the pool

Estéé
ok, that was it until now :)

my Summer will be cut short through the surgery on my back on 4th of August so i'm having as much fun as i can before then

have a super sunshine filled day!!!

love & peace

tanya xx

time flies!!

it has been ages since i have written on my blog, i can't say it's because i haven't had the time :) and it's not because i haven't got anything to say or to show... just call me lazy lol!!!



seriously, i've just been taking a break, two sunshine filled weeks in Spain with my friend Sue and her husband Colin, and adventure at times! starting with Sue having a flat tyre on the way to the airport to pick me up! luckily i had a friendly man sitting next to me on the plane, we had been chatting the whole flight, he heard about me having to wait a few hours so he suggested i hitch a ride with him and his two teenagers :)) lucky me! Sue got home hours!!!! later.



then i did my back in! totally! just by leaning over the bathtub to rince my hair, omg!!! i thought i would have to call the inssurance to let me go home! but it subsided a little, enough to still enjoy my holiday, on crutch most of the time but hey!?



We visited Valencia, i loved that! i'll show some pics in my next post, i have my foot up at the moment and don't want to get up to get the SD card from my camera :))



oh and of course i had a few paints and brushes with me so i made a little painting for Sue, pic is still on my camera so that's for the next post

some pics i do have:

this is the angel i painted for Diane Radichat in Seattle

(we were at Ranger together)

Tanya & Sue having cocktails :)

my gekko tatoo

me getting the tatoo!!! painful??? well no!!! i was faking! it's only henna lol!

i'm kind of tired!! went to a park concert last night, always fun because most of my friends are there too and in the Summer there is a concert every Thursday! so next week i'm taking the kiddies, there is so much for them to do there, it'll be fun!

today i picked the kiddies up from their two week stay at their dad, so glad to have them home again :))

tomorrow we are going to ROCK HERK, a rock festival not too far from here, loads of my friends are going too so it'll be great!!

Wednesday i'm off to my friend Esther's birthday BBQ

lol no wonder i'm tired huh?? but Summer is good for meeting up with friends and having loads of fun i think! pain or no pain :)) no use lying around all the time huh!

i have a few commisioned paintings to start but for now i'm going to just keep my feet up and have a rest with a good book

till next time :)

love & peace

tanya xx

Paolo Nutini - What a Wonderful World

i love Paolo's version of this great song!!

i'm lucky to be going to see him 25th of August!! i hope i'll be okay because i have back surgery planned for 4th of August, soooo not looking forward to that at all but it looks like i have no choice!! My eldest daughter is coming to help me out.

i had a full home security system intalled in the house! there were a few burglaries in the area a week ago and not that i am scared but it feels safer sleeping with the alarm on believe me.

i'm off to spain for two weeks in a couple of days for some fun, sun and my friend Sue!! :)) but first TWILIGHT NIGHT with my friend MP :)) 3 films in a row and meeting some of the actors, sadly not 'edward' lol.

happy Summer to you all, i might pass by my blog over the Summer but i am not making any promises :)

love & peace xxx tanya

hi! hi!

hiya all, just a really quick hello, no art to show, life has been way to busy... no rest for the wicked :)
i just wanted to let you know i've added a new app :)) a few of my favourite songs, click on 'video' to see Jason Mraz or the ador-able (uhummm) Paolo Nutini!!!!
I am a lucky lucky girl! i've got a ticket to see Paolo in August, happy happy!!!

ok if i make something to show before i head off for Spain i'll blog about it, if not! see you all after my holiday :))

oh and as a huge Twilight fan i'll be going to the Twilight Night marathon before my holiday, three full films in a row and seeing some of the actors!! i mean come on!!! cool or not??!!
ok i'm off to bed, pretty late in my part of the world.... listen to my music! if it gets on your nerves while reading my blog just turn it off :))
love & peace, tanya xxx happy Summer!!!

Prince Charming...

Prince Charming, as i see him... not that i am in any way waiting on a Prince Charming lol, i just thought it would be cool to give him a go since i am doing another Suzi class :)) and need to practice side view faces! so here is my first ever, i 'm not drawn to side views so much because i get less eye to play with and for me it's all about the eyes in my faces but having tried this i probably will do a few more and then practice some 3/4 views too, always something new to learn and that is what i love about drawing and painting!and then there i this painting 'Passion' commisioned by my friend Esther, a beautiful redhead herself so she loves my girls & angels

this one is no angel, seeing the text she wanted put on was a touch sassy lol i figured it was best to make her a goddess instead :))

ok, short post, the weather is way too nice to be sitting in and the sun too bright to take the laptop out lol

so have a brilliant day & whatever you are up too, i hope you are having fun!!

talk soon!

love & peace

tanya xx

time to paint...

hi all, as usual life has been busy but we have had quite a bit of sunshine out here in the countryside, over the weekend we had temps up to 32 °C and that my dears is really hot for May!! however yesterday it rained all day and the temps dropped to 10°C and that was a huge difference and i even had to throw some logs onto the fireplace again but no complaints because today the sun is back out to play and the garden was actually pretty grateful for the rain..

but enough about the weather lol!!

i've had time to paint, mostly outside in the sun which proved a little difficult with my acrylic paint drying really quick even when pulled into the shade! but i have now bought a retarder and i'm hoping that will help the open time while i paint. anyway, here is my lastest finished painting
'SOLICE'

the text on her dress is from a my South african friend Marc Volker, he is a bit of a poet most of the time, just never get into football issues with him lol! omg he can rave on about it, i think he drives his wife Nicolette nuts with it.

i really like this text of his so i asked permission to use it and seeing he loves my art he said yes straight away and is pretty proud i used it so we are both happy :)

my insperation for the wings i found in the street artists in Barcelona

i used lots of golden mica flakes, i just love them!

i beeswaxed the whole painting, even her face, i stamped into the beeswax in the bottom right corner and added perfect pearls to it, i mainly used Golden fluid acrylics, Steward Gill Alchemy paint (colour fusion) for the eyes because i simply love the shimmer they give and i used some Steward Gill Colourise paints on the face and Golden fiber paste for her hair...

so there you have some of my mixed media secrets :)

at the moment i am working on a commisioned painting for a beautiful redhead friend, i will show once finished

have a great day and i hope the sun is shining where you are

love & peace

tanya xx

food for thought

i've been inking & painting & embossing metal, sanding and scratching... laying the last hand om my next workshop, i'll post pics when i'm totally done

i have had no time to paint and yet i feel i should have, i need to paint to orden my feelings and impressions... otherwise thet stick with me and start living a life of their own, the only way i can stay strong and not let feelings or pain take over me is by painting them away, maybe not away but giving myself a chance to put them into perspective. most people class me a a strong woman, i have been through a few ordeals in this life and yet appear to be happy and optimistic and i am! i am strong and optimistic on most days, but like all of us i do get down, i do have feelings to cope with, the pain take over on some occasions, now i am in no way complaining here! don't get me wrong! i have a super beautiful life, i am happy...

but to be honest i made it easy on myself in a way, i stayed away from social life, i never tried to make new friends where i live, i have been happy enough to meet people through teaching and it was enough for me. Over the last few months i have been out and about more, i felt it was time to come out of my hiding place, not that i was really hiding, i was just enjoying the peace of my soltitude. I live in a wonderful place, surrounded by the most beautiful nature that makes me intensely happy on any given day, i have a strong connection with nature, maybe more than with people, i don't have many close friends, by choice.

but i have been out and about and am glad i have but at the same time so many new impressions are coming my way and i am getting to know myself all over again, how i react, when i feel comfortable or not, ... new lessons, all over again, challenging and sometimes tiring but i am learning things about myself or recognizing things i already knew. and i get into the funny situation that people i meet ask if i am married or single, have i got kids? uh yes 5! lol then comes the shocked look on their faces most of the time... i get all kinds of responses, some think it is amazing i have five, they think i look too young to have five, three of them being adult! funny is that in a pub sometimes when i tell a man about my five kids i see the scared look on their faces ;) and most of them suddenly need the toilet haha! good way of getting rid of them really... :)

also i still am way more reserved or timid than some other women i see who go straight into action when they see a man they fancy, i see them getting really close, putting on sexy eyes and smiles and giggles and even to the extent of almost throwing themselves at a man the very first night they meet... i'm not judging! in no way am i judging, i'm just stating that i am incapable of acting like that, i have never ever made a first move... i was actually talking about that to someone the other day and that person said it roots from fear of rejection... that made me think... maybe that is true but i have no idea! i think it is just not appropriate (for myself) to act in such a way and i never will... do i let chances slip? i don't think so because really if a man falls for such behavior then fine... but no thanks lol!! i like who i am and if that makes me a little gray sparrow amongst colourful birds then so be it... you might find this a strange conversation lol but it is just a pick of one of the new impressions that have been coming my way, nothing more to it really.

the sun is out today but i have some more work to do before i can actually go out to sit in it, i did have my morning coffee in the garden and again was amazed by the amount of birds that are in my garden (including a whole bunch of beautiful sparrows :)), i saw buds on my lavander, yay i love love love the scent of lavender so i cant wait for the flowers. the tadpoles are becoming very active in the pond!!! soon i'll have hundreds of tiny toads hopping on my terras, i'm not too fond of that to tell the truth, it looks like some plague out of the bible and some of them even commit suicide by hopping into the kitchen and bathroom! ever had tiny toads hopping around you while sitting on the loo??? aaaarrgggg!

anyway, heading off to get some stuff done that is really long over due but life is busy and the days are way too short... i'll get it done and posted today! my mission!!

hope you all have a wonderful day wherever you are

love & peace,

and i do lay stress on the peace, inner peace is something i have found to be essential

tanya xx

Happy Mother's Day

Happy Mother's Day to all the wonderful mums.

My mother's day so far has consisted of sleeping in because the littlies are at their dad, it is his weekend to have them so i will see them later today when i pick them up.

So sleeping in was my luxury though i would have prefered to have kiddies jumping on my bed bringing me burned toast and weak coffee and dandilions from the garden :)

however my 20y old son did make me (half burned) toast and scrambled eggs and brought it out into the garden without even a mumble of happy mother's day haha and then went off inside to watch a recorded film from last night... typical my son lol!

so again peace and quiet...

except for my little buddy blackbird who i have named George :)

my sweet son did give me a gift certificate for new sunglasses so yesterday we had a nice day in the city, choosing some pretty cool sunglasses that i will have by the end of next week, lunch out in the sun, well not so much sun but it was nice enough.

I'm not one for expecting gifts for Mother's day, whenever my kids used to aks what i wanted i always replied that it would be fantastic if they would for one day not fight or make a mess and make me a cup of tea without me asking for it... i always got the tea!

motherhood is quiet a ride, one that i have learned lots from, with five kids there is a lesson every day! my hardest lesson has been to let go... my teenage daughter taught me how to do that, in not such a soft way (some of you will remember she ran away from home in feb 2009 and is now living with her father) it hurt like hell and on some days it still does... but i have learned to let it go as much as i can, she is nearly adult now, 18 in June.

My own mother died last year in September and that too was a hard thing to deal with in different ways than most of you would expect.

She died at the age of 59 after a seven year struggle with Alhzeimers

we never had a connection, i only met her for the first time as a teenager so it was not the average mourning journey i went through...

this morning sitting out in the garden, for the very first time in my life i felt she might just be watching over me after all and it made me cry and then i started to miss my runaway teen and that made me cry and then George started singing and that made me smile and cry... and then the song hallelujah came on my ipod and ok... you get the picture.

****************

i went to a really cool party on Friday night.... oh i got home at 3.30am after playing taxi for a sad soul who's car had broke down ;)

i met so many cool, beautiful, crazy people, we laughed so much and omg you don't want to knows ome of the convo's we had, hilarious believe me!!

so happy Esther invited me :))

and i made her a little present because the very first time we met she fell in love with my framed collage necklace and insantly dived into my cleavage lol... she is like that!

(here is what i made for her, not so good pics but it is hard with the glass that reflects)

she pretty much squeeled with delight and we immediatly fitted the chain to fit and then she had to change her earrings because they didn't match lol ... and every one just had to admire it! she gave them no choice lol!!

ah well i'm going to let you all have a wonderful day and i'm going to continue to relax out in the sun, today the sun seems to have come back to play and i am not complaining!!!

love & peace

tanya xx

what makes you happy...

what truly makes you happy? my list is long!!! of course my children or on the list of what makes me happy, i find that pretty obvious...

i was pleased and suprized of the amount of small things on my list...

the blackbird singing in my garden made me intensly happy this morning! honestly i sat in the garden smoking a sigarette (that is a different story!!) and saw mister blackbird hopping around, he has been my friend for a few weeks now and he is loud i tell you! last year he seemed to get on my nerves a little but this year his song seems so beautiful! i actually go sit out in the garden just to see him. so this morning there he was hopping around from tree to bush to the pond (he is an active little fella) singing his heart out, i imagine him doing that especially for me of course, after all he seems to be my new companion. And then comes mrs blackbird, hopping along... and it made me smile to see my little companion having a girlfriend... yeah, things like this make me happy and not just for a moment... it lingers... i take the feeling back inside with me, it makes my heart sing happy songs and makes my pain lighter and less important and again that is on my list of what makes me happy!

my dog rolling around in the grass like a little lunatic

a fresh hot cup of tea

the sun on my face

sitting outside to paint

sitting inside to paint

biting into a juicy apple

drinking hot chocolate in bed

red paint (well all paint but red is my fav!)

my new oil pastels

buying new shoes for my kids

raspberry sorbet

having coffee with friends

having wine with friends

listening to all the cool music on my pink ipod

watching the kids play out in the garden

drawing in my art journal

my friend Diane in Seattle who says hi every single day

discovering new music

silence... for a long time silence was so loud!!! it brought discomforting thoughts and fears and worries. now silence is simply silent, peaceful and nice.

my list is so much longer... and that too makes me happy.

i hope you all have a wonderful day
love & peace
tanya x

Love Yourself Today

(Saturday morning 7am)

we have been having the most glorious weather out here, the blossom is coming to full force and so are the number of tourists , almost enough for me to escape it all! omg!!! the amount of bikers! yeah bikers Harleys i mean... all tough dudes coming to see the blossom lol how cute!!! bikers, cyclists, cars, bussssssessss even, all through our tiny little village, a bit of a pain when you are out in the garden having what you thought was going to be a quiet sit down lol!!!

yesterday i went to my beautiful friend in Aalst to have a nice quiet sit down and lunch out in the garden : ) a super de luxe salade, wine and the best strawberries evvvva!! fresh from our countryside. i even got a bit of a tan, well don't expect too much of my tans lol, this British skin of mine does not tan all that well... but it was a good good day...

one day that felt like two weeks holiday.

Saturday i had the honour to "Rangerize" a bunch of nice ladies, they were rockstars, they inked and stamped and combined techniques like pros! so so proud of them! i never took pics but i'm sure i will get my hands on some to share later!

days like these make me happy, make the never ending pain bearable... eventhough i have to pay for it 10 times over today i don't care!

Love Yourself Today, this is the name of my lastest Mixed Media Painting

she proved to be a bit of a pain in the butt lol! oh so many things went wrong on this one, i have no idea why! i think she was meant to be and exercise in patience and i had to learn to love her the way she turned out and i do! she maybe a bit of a dark spirited lady but she has the right message and her energy feels more than okay.
she is a 15X30cm painting on wood

i used lots ofGolden Fluid Acrylics, glass bead paste, modeling paste, gold mica flakes, Steward Gill paints, Tim Holtz stamps, Ranger inks, Distress powder.

This week... i plan on finishing off a few class samples, i have a scrap class and i'm due in hospital again for my last nasty, hateful stupid,

paintful, not-doing- much-for-me injection!!!

soooo not looking forward to that!

anyway beautiful people!! i wish you all a great week filled with all nice things

love & peace!!!!

tanya x

how are you all doing?

life has been moving on, i really should try and blog more often but the days just seem so short :)

i'm not going to talk much about the pain i'm in, it is just ongoing and therefore boring the life out of you all!

so what have i been up to? well i went along to a photo shoot with my friends Daisy ( model) and Paul (photographer) see some pics of Daisy here. it was fun especially because i will be helping to make some cool props for future shoots and some jewellery and beaded clothing ( when am i going to do all that?)

here is a pic i took of the glam life of models in the middle of a field, waiting for the set to be finished... i was sitting under an apple tree drawing in my journal, taking it all in, it was diff to my usually activities but fun! i must admit that a certain person was right to drag me along eventhough i had just come out of hospital!!!

the first ice creams have been approved by my little ones! it was such nice weather last weekend that i took them to the playground...

they appear to be wearing matching clothes lol! that was not on purpose

further more i have been busy with upcoming workshops, i went to a Donna Downey workshop in Belgium, it was really nice meeting her and her wonderful husband, it was worth the drive and the long day... and fof any of you who might be wondering... i do take that hat off sometimes :)

i am working on a few paintings at the same time but non of them are finished so not much art top show other than this quick little mixed media canvas i made for norah, my friend's 5 year old daughter! it is a quick job, done while she was waiting and acoording to her orders... huh wishes!!! my my !! she knows what she wants and she loves pink!!!

last but not least i wouls like you to go check out my blog friend Al Hernandez, he has been a fan of my blog for some time now and i have always enjoyed his reply.

i have added him to my blogroll so you can go visit his blog whenever you like;

have a nice day or evening depending where you are in the world... i'm off to start dinner

take care! love & peace

oh and if you are a facebooker then you might enjoy adding my fanpage to your list! just search for rusty angel Art and you will find me there, thanks xx